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Entered, according to Act of Congress, In the year 1874 
BY Mr. AUGUSTIN DALY 
the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington, D.C. 



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Electrotyped, Printed, and Bound by 
G. P. Putnam's Sons 



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A FEW REMARKS ON THE 
SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL 



BY William Winter 



ALTHOUGH genius is elemental, and therefore 
is not created by circumstances, it is certain 
that circumstances exert an important in- 
fluence upon its drift, and upon the channels and 
methods of its expression. Sheridan— whose father 
was an actor and whose mother was a dramatist, 
and who was born at Dublin in 1751, and trained at 
Harrow School from 1762 till 1769, when he went to 
I'eside with his father at Bath — came upon the scene 
at a period when English fine society was in an 
exceedingly artificial condition ; and this prevalent 
artificiality of manners, as experience subsequently 
proved, was destined to increase and to prevail 
during the whole of his career [he died in 1816], and 
not to decline until after the death of George the 
Fourth, in 1830. When Sheridan went to reside at 
Bath he was in his nineteenth year ; a remarkably 
handsome youth ; ardent and impressible ; and Bath 

iii 



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was then one ot the gayest cities in the British 
kingdom. In that brilliant city and in that opulent, 
insincere, tattling, backbiting society — intermit- 
tently, but most of the time— he lived during the 
perilous years of his youth, from 1770 to 1776 : there 
he loved and won for a wife the beautiful Eliza 
lyinley— eloping with her to France, and fighting 
duels in her defence when he came back ; there he 
wrote "The Rivals" and " The Duenna," and there 
he planned and partly executed "The School for 
Scandal." Into "The Rivals " he wrought much of 
his own personal experience, duly and artistically 
modified and veiled. Into " The School for Scandal " 
he wrought the results of his observation — working 
in a manner essentially natural to his order of mind, 
yet one that was to some extent guided and im- 
pelled by the study of Ktherege, Wycherley, Far- 
quhar, Vanbrugh, and Congreve, who are his in- 
tellectual ancestors. There is more freedom, more 
freshness of impulse, more kindness, more joy, 
more nature in " The Rivals " than there is in " The 
School for Scandal ' ' ; but both are artificial ; both 
reflect, in a mirror of artistic exaggeration, the 
hollow, feverish, ceremonious, bespangled, glitter- 
ing, heart-breaking fashionable world, in which 
their author's mind was developed and in which 
they were created. The "School for Scandal," 
indeed, is completely saturated with artificiality, 
and the fact that it was intended to satirize and 
rebuke the faults of an insincere, scandal-monger- 
ing society, does not— and was not meant to— modify 
that pervasive and predominant element of its 
character. 



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Satire, in order to be effective, must portray the 
thing that it excoriates. The " School for Scandal " 
rebukes a vice by depicting it, and makes the 
rebuke pungent by depicting it in a brilliant and 
entertaining vray ; yet there is no considerable 
comedy in our language, not even one by Etherege 
or by Congreve =>= — authors whose influence was 
naturally and cogently operative upon the kindred 
mind of Sheridan — that stands further off from the 
simplicity of nature, moves in a more garish light, 



* The student of the comedies of Sheridan is aided 
in his appreciation of their quality, their spirit, 
their peculiar excellence, by a preliminary study of 
Etherege, Wycherley, Farquhar, Vanbrugh, and 
Congreve. The intellectual line represented by 
those writers closed with Sheridan. No successor 
has arisen, although of imitators there have been 
scores. Sir George Etherege [i636?-i689] wrote 
"The Comical Revenge" [1664], " She Would if She 
Could " [1668], and '• The Man of Mode, or Sir Fop- 
ling Flutter " [1676]. William Wj'cherley [1640-1715] 
wrote, between 1672 and 1677, "lyove in a Wood," 
" The Gentleman Dancing-Master," "The Country 
Wife," and "The Plain Dealer." Moore found it 
difficult to believe that Sheridan was tinfan,iliar 
with the last of these pieces; it is extremely proba- 
ble that he had a cursory knowledge of them all. 
George Farquhar [1678-1707] wrote "Love and a 
Bottle" [1699], "The Constant Couple " [1700], "Sir 
Harry Wildair" [1701], "The Inconstant" [1702], 
"The Twin Rivals" [1703], "The Stage Coach" 
[1705], in which he was assisted by Peter A. Motteux 
[1660-171S], "TheRecruitingOfficer" [1705], and "The 
Beaux Stratagem" [1707]. Sheridan had the same 
Irish grace that is found in Farquhar, but he more 
closely resembles Congreve in terseness and glitter. 
Sir John Vanbrugh [1666 7-1726] wrote "The Re- 
lapse " [1697], " The Provoked Wife " [1697], "^sop " 



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or requires for its intelligible and eflfective interpre- 
tation a more studied, manufactured, fantastic man- 
ner. It contains no person upon whom the imagi- 
nation can dwell with delight, or to whom the heart 
can become devoted ; no person who either fires the 
mind by example, or arouses the imagination by 
romantic nobility, or especially wins esteem whether 
for worth of character or excellence of conduct. 
Once or twice indeed — as in Charles' impulsive 
expression of grateful sentiment toward the boun- 

1697], "The Pilgrim" [1700], "The False Friend " 
1702], "The Confederacy" [1705], "The Mistake" 
1706], "The Cuckold in Conceit" [1706], "The 
CountryHouse" [i7i5],and " A Journey to Ivondon " 
[1728]. "Squire Trelooby" [1734] is also attributed 
to him. Vanbrugh wrote with more apparent 
facility than either of the others in this group, and 
his language is more flexible, more like the lan- 
guage of actual men and women, than that of the 
rest. William Congreve [1670-1729] wrote " The Old 



Bachelor" [1693], "The Double-Dealer" [1694], 
"Love for Love" [1695], "The Mourning Bride" 
[1697], "The Way of the World" [1700], " The Judg- 



ment of Paris," a Masque [1701], and "Semele' 
[1707]. Moore notes the significant fact that the best 
comedies have generally been written by young 
authors. All of Congreve's pieces were written 
before he M^as twenty-five. Farquhar died at thirty. 
Vanbrugh began early. Sheridan at twenty-seven 
had written "The ; choolfor Scandal," and he never 
surpassed it ; indeed, practically, he wrote no more 
for the stage — for " Pizarro " and " The Stranger" 
(which substantially are his) are scarcely worth 
remembrance. But the reason why good comedies 
may be written by clever j^oung men is not obscure. 
Comedy must necessarily treat of actual life and 
manners, and this subject, which ceases to be in- 
teresting as men grow old, is for youth a delightful 
inspiration. 



XLbc Scbool for ScanDal 



teous uncle whom he supposes to be absent from the 
scene of the Auction, and in Sir Peter TeazWs 
disclosure to Joseph of his considerate intentions 
toward his volatile wife, in the scene of the Screen — 
it imparts a transient thrill of feeling. But it never 
strikes— and, indeed, it never aims to strike— the 
note of pathos, in its portraiture of human life ; so 
that, in the main, it contains scarcely a single trait 
of simple humanity. And yet its fascination is 
universal, indomitable, irresistible, final — the fas- 
cination of buoyant, intellectual character, invincible 
gayety, pungent satire, and a gorgeous affluence of 
polished wit. It succeeded when it was first pro- 
duced, and now, after the lapse of a hundred and 
thirteen years, it still continues to please, equally 
when it is acted and when it is read. There is a 
moral in this, which ought to carry comfort to those 
votaries of art who believe in symbol rather than in 
fact, the ideal rather than the literal ; who know 
that a dramatic picture of life, in order that it may 
be made universal in its applicability and incessant 
in its influence, must be made to present aggregate 
and comprehensive personifications, and not local 
and particular portraits, and must be painted in 
colors that are not simply true but delicately exag- 
gerated. This is the great art — the art which has 
made Shakspere to sutrive when Ben Jonson is 
dead. The absence of genial emotion— of the glow 
of expansive humanity and of pathos— in "The 
School for Scandal" is, perhaps, to be regretted; 
but in this case a deficiency of the melting heart is 
counterbalanced by a prodigality of the opulent 
mind. The piece transcends locality and epoch. 



^be Scbool for ScanDal 



The resident not only of Bath and of London, but 
of New York and San Francisco, the denizen not 
only of great capitals, but of provincial villages, the 
yihabitant of yesterday, to-day, and to-morrow, can 
perceive the meaning, feel the power, and rejoice in 
the sparkling gayety of" The School for Scandal." 

This great comedy— produced when its author was 
in his twenty-seventh year— was written slowly, 
painfully, and with patient labor. Moore devotes 
about thirty pages of his " I^ife of Sheridan," to an 
exposition of the two distinct sketches that the 
dramatist first made, when rearing the fabric of the 
piece, and dilates with particular admiration upon 
the scrupulous study, the fastidious care, and the 
anxious severity of revision with which he selected 
his language, moulded his materials, and blended 
and fused the many scattered threads of his fancy 
and inventive thought into one symmetrical fabric 
of crystal wit. "Nothing great and durable," ex- 
claims the delighted biographer [and Moore was a 
man of excellent judgment, great reading, and a 
beautiful faculty in literature], "has ever been pro- 
duced with ease. . . . I,abor is the parent of all the 
lasting wonders of this world, whether a verse or 
stone, whether poetry or pyramids." The original 
manuscripts of the comedy manifested especially to 
Moore's discerning eye " a certain glare and coarse- 
ness," showing the effect of recent study of Wycher- 
ley and Vanbrugh ; but also they revealed the steady 
pressure of a delicate taste and the incessant opera- 
tion of strenuous refinement, alike in the improve- 
ment of the characters, the conduct of the plot, the 
formation and arrangement of the sentences, and 



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the choice of epithets. One of vSheridan's peculiari- 
ties, indeed, was a light, graceful, indolent manner 
of elegant leisure. He preferred that people should 
suppose that his work was always done spon- 
taneously and with careless ease. In reality he 
accomplished nothing without eflTort. During a con- 
siderable part of his life — certainly till he was thirty- 
six, when he joined Kdmund Burke's sentimental 
crusade against Warren Hastings, and fortified the 
rancorous rhetoric of that statesman by a refulgent 
burst of verbal fireworks concerning the Begum 
Princesses of Oude— his industry' was minute, as- 
siduous, and vigilant. No man was ever a more 
pertinacious worker, and no man ever seemed to 
have less occupation or less need of endeavor for the 
accomplishment of splendid things. He did not, as 
so many fussy people do — who cannot endure to be 
employed without an everlasting fluster of cackle 
over the virtue of their toil — intrude his labor upon 
the attention of his friends. He displayed the fin- 
ished statue ; he did not vaunt the chips and the dust 
that were made in the cutting of it. He gave results ; 
he did not proclaim the process of their production. 
"Few persons with so much natural brilliancy of 
talents," says Moore, " ever employed more art and 
circumspection in their display." But Sheridan's 
reticence in this particular was not exclusively of 
a theatrical kind. He held the most of human 
achievements to be [what certainly they are] of slight 
importance ; he shrunk with all his soul from the 
disgrace and humiliation of being a bore ; and he 
possessed in extraordinary fulness, and therefore he 
abundantly exerted, the rare faculty of taste. There 



XLhc Scbool tor Scandal 



can be no doubt that as time wore on the character 
of Sheridan was weakened and degraded by misfor- 
tune, embarrassment, profligate associations [with 
the Prince Regent and his shameless set], and most 
of all by intemperance ; but at the beginning of his 
life, and for some years of his splendid productive- 
ness and prosperity, he was a noble gentleman and 
a most individual mental power ; and there is no 
reason why a virtue of his character should be set 
down to its weakness. 

"The School for Scandal" was produced under 
auspicious circumstances. Garrick had read it and 
pronounced it excellent. Garrick, moreover, had 
assisted at its rehearsals, and had written a prologue 
to introduce it. Murphy, in his life of that great 
actor — then retired from the stage — says that Gar- 
rick was never known on any former occasion to be 
more anxious for a favorite piece. On the first night, 
May 8, 1777, the doors of Drury lyane Theatre, which 
were opened at half-past five, had not been opened 
an hour when the house was crowded. The receipts 
that night were ^225. King spoke the prologue, 
which is in Garrick's more whimsical and sprightly 
manner. Colman furnished an epilogue. The re- 
hearsals had been numerous and careful. Sheridan, 
who was manager as well as author, had taken great 
pains. E^very part was well acted. The incessant 
play of wit created an effect of sparkling animation. 
Mrs. Abington, King, and Smith — who played re- 
spectively Ladj/ Teazle, Sir Peter Teazle, and Charles 
Surface—werei uncommonly brilliant. Palmer, as 
Joseph Surface, was superb. The onlj' defect noticed 
was a sluggishness of movement in act second, inci- 



Zbc Scbool for ScanDal xi 

dent to some excess of talk by the clique of scandal- 
mongers. Garrick observed that the characters 
upon the stage at the falling of the screen waited too 
long before they spoke. At the close of the screen 
scene, nevertheless— ending the fourth act,— the ap- 
plause was tremendous. Frederick Reynolds, the 
dramatist, happening to pass through the pit pas- 
sage, " from Vinegar Yard to Brydges Street," about 
nine o'clock that night, heard such a noise, all at 
once, that he thought the theatre was about to fall, 
and ran for his life. The public enthusiasm, after 
the final descent of the baize, was prodigious. Sheri- 
dan was so delighted that he quaffed unlimited wine, 
got drunk, made a row in the street, and was 
knocked down and put into the watch-house. The 
lyOndon newspapers teemed with praises of the com- 
edy, not only on the next day but on many days 
thereafter. Horace Walpole, who speedily went to 
see it, wrote thus from his retreat at Strawberry 
Hill : " To my great surprise there were more parts 
performed admirably in this comedj' than I almost 
ever saw in any play. Mrs. Abington was equal to 
the first in her profession. Yates, Parsons, Miss 
Pope, and Palmer, all shone." Boaden, the biogra- 
pher, in allusion to King and Mrs. Abington as Sir 
Peter and Lady Teazle, said they were so suited to 
each other that they lost half their soul in separation. 
For years afterward the success of " The School for 
Scandal ' ' was so great in I^ondon that it clouded the 
success of the new pieces that were brought forward 
in its wake. From the capital it went to Bath, Edin- 
burgh, York, Dublin, and other large towns of the 
kingdom. Moore records that the scenes of the 



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Auction and the Screen were presented upon the 
Paris stage in 1778, in a piece called " I,es Deux 
Neveux," and that the whole story soon found its 
way to the Theatre Fran9ais, under the name of 
" Tartuffe de Moeurs." Genest, commenting on the 
first cast, and speaking from his ample knowledge 
of the chronicles of the first performance (if not, 
possibly, from personal recollection), observes that 
" this comedy was so admirably acted that though it 
has continued on the acting list at Drury L,ane from 
that time to this [1832], and been several times repre- 
sented at Covent Garden and The Haymarket, yet no 
new performer has ever appeared in any one of the 
principal characters that was not inferior to the per- 
son who acted it originally. " The statement is made 
in " The Thespian Dictionary" [1802], that " the copy 
of this play was lost after the first night's representa- 
tion, and all the performers in it were summoned 
together early the next day in order, by the assistance 
of their parts, to prepare another prompter's book." 
Thelyondon productions of " The .School for Scan- 
dal," recorded by Genest, * are as follows : 

Drury Lane .... May 8, 1777. 



Haymarket 
Drury Lane 
Drury Lane 
Covent Garden 
Covent Garden 
Covent Garden 
Covent Garden 
Drury Lane 



September 2, 1785. 

April 8, 1797. 

May 18, 1798. 

. March 31, 1798. 

May 30, 1810. 

. March 23, 1813. 

September TO, 1818. 

December i, 1825. 



* Some Account of the Ejnglish Stage, from the 
Restoration in 1660 to 1830. In Ten Volumes. [By 
the Rev. John Genest, of Bath.] Bath : Printed by 
H. E. Carrington. Sold by Thomas Rodd, Great 
Newport Street, London, 1832. 



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It is more than half a century since the industri- 
ous, loquacious, sensible, matter-of-fact parson of 
Bath made up his chronicle, and many brilliant 
representations of " The School for Scandal" have 
been accomplished within that time on both sides of 
the Atlantic. The method in which the piece was 
originally acted, however, has been preserved by 
tradition, and actors in succeeding generations have 
seldom widely departed from it— although they may 
have fallen short of its reputed perfection [a point 
by no means certain]. That method was the delicate, 
brilliant exaggeration of the manners of polite so- 
ciety in the days of George the Third. Mrs. Abing- 
ton [1738-1815], the original representative of Lady 
Teazle, made her, radically and consistently, the 
afifected fine lady, without giving the slightest indi- 
cation that she had ever been " a girl bred wholly in 
the countrj'^ " ; and Mrs. Abington's example has 
usually, and perhaps involuntarily, been followed. 
Klizabeth Farren [1759-1829,] who succeeded Mrs. 
Abington at Drury L,ane, gave a remarkably elegant 
performance of the part, harmonious as to artifice 
with the ideal indicated by her predecessor, but 
superior to that ideal in natural refinement. It was 
in this character that Miss Farren took leave of the 
stage, April 8, 1797, just before her marriage with the 
Karl of Derby.* The next important embodiment 

*"I recollect the circumstance of seeing I^ord 
Derby leaving his private box to creep to her [Miss 
Farren], behind the screen, and, of course, we all 
looked with impatience for the discover}^ hoping the 
screen would fall a little too soon and show to the 
audience lyord Derby as well as Ladv Teazle."— Miss 
Wynne's '* Diary of a I^ady of Quality." 



xvi ^be Scbool tor ScanDal 

characters, possessed exactly the lace-ruffle-and-dia- 
mond style essential for the expression of Sir Peter 
Teazle's refinement, high-bred testiness, and amused, 
satirical cynicism. No Knglish actor since Farren 
has been esteemed his equal in this character. The 
most notable performance oi Sir Peter that the F)ng- 
lish audience has seen since Farren 's day was, ap- 
parently, that of Samuel Phelps [1797-1872]. It is 
thought to have lacked Farren's distinction and his 
delicacy of mechanism and finish, but it was ac- 
counted remarkable for the qualities of force, sin- 
cerity, authority, and restraint. William Farren, 
son of " old Farren," performed Sir Peter Teazle, in 
a revival of "The School for Scandal," which was 
eflfected at the Vaudeville Theatre, I^ondon, in 1872, 
and gained public favor and critical admiration. 

The character oi Lady Teazle has had many repre- 
sentatives on the British stage, only a few of whom 
are now remembered. L,ouisa Brunton, who became 
Countess of Craven, and Miss Smithson [1800-1854], 
who wedded with Berlioz, the composer, were among 
the earliest followers in the footsteps of Mrs. Abing- 
ton. Miss Farren, and Mrs. Jordan. Mrs. Warner 
[1804-1854] acted the part with Phelps, and was 
esteemed one of its best representatives. I,ucy 
Klizabeth Vestris [1798-1856] gave an impersonation 
of Lady Teazle, which, although superficial and 
shallow, was exceedingly vivacious and piquant. 
Ivouisa Cranstouu Nisbett [1812-1858], who became 
lyady Boothby— the most radiant and enchanting of 
the old stage beauties,— made the part bewitching 
and brilliant, without suggestion of much sincerity 
or depth. One of the most highly esteemed and 



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thoughtfully commended portrayals of Lady Teazle 
that have been recorded of late years was that given 
by Marie Wilton (Mrs. Bancroft) at the Prince of 
Wales Theatre, IvOndon, in April, 1S74. That intel- 
lectual and polished actress, Genevieve Ward, has 
acted it, vs^ith sparkling effect, both in French and 
English. 

The American record of " The School for Scandal " 
begins with a performance of it given at the John 
Street Theatre, New York, on December 16, 1785. 
The famous piece was then acted— according to the 
excellent authority of Mr. Ireland — "probably for 
the first time in America." The cast is printed on 
another page of this book. The first representation 
that the comedy received at the old Park Theatre 
occurred on December 3, 1798. Since then it has 
been performed in every considerable theatre in the 
United States, and often it has enlisted the talent of 
remarkably brilliant groups of actors. There is 
probably no veteran play -goer who could not, with 
slight efibrt of the memory-, recall a cast of "The 
School for Scandal ' ' which he would regard as in- 
comparable and memorable. No piece has enjoyed 
more favor as the signalizing feature of special 
dramatic occasions.* The chief part— the part that 

* Among memorable casts of "The School for 
Scandal" this one may well be recalled. The per- 
formance was given in the afternoon of May 19, 
1869, at Niblo's Theatre, for the benefit of John 
Brougham : 

Sir Peter Teazle John Gilbert.-}- 

Sir Oliver Surface . . . John Brougham.f 

Joseph Surface Neil Warner. 

fDead. 



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of the original structure, and the omission of them 
has been known to prompt a righteous remonstrance 
against the iniquity of tampering with the author. 
As a rule they are both spoken and heard under the 
impression that they belong to the play. The 
"pickled elephant " that figures in Valentine's mad 
scene, in " lyove for Love," might be cited as an ex- 
ample of this sort of embellishment. The passage is 
not in Congreve's text, but it is generally used. It 
was introduced by the elder Wallack — then a young 
man on the London stage—on a night when he was 
acting Valentine, in place of KHiston, who was dis- 
abled with gout. That day an elephant had gone 
mad and been shot by the guards, and this incident 
had caused much popular excitement. Valentine, 
who is pretending- to be deranged, has to talk wildly, 
and Wallack's sudden ejaculation, "Bring me a 
pickled elephant," was thought to be excellent 
lunacy — for it was received with copious applause ; 
and EUiston, seated in his invalid-chair, at the wing, 
accosted Wallack, as that actor came off, and mourn- 
fully exclaimed : "They never shot an elephant for 
/«^, young man !" Since then every representative 
of Valentine m^ak.^^ this allusion, although now the 
reference is pointless and the image stands in the 
category of Oriana's "tall, gigantic sights" and 
Tilburina's "whistling moon." The presence of 
such points in those old plays may well intimate to 
the judicious observer that their text has not, from 
the beginning, been regarded as a sacred thing, and 
that the prime necessity of the stage — which is 
Effect— may sometimes be found to warrant both 
additions and omissions in the presentment of come- 



Zbc School for Scandal 



dies that are, in some measure, obsolete. One thing 
is certain — that the indelicacy of those old pieces is 
offensive to the taste of the present time, and ought 
not ever, in these days, to be thrust upon an audi- 
ence. It is not an ansvsrer to talk of " Bowdlerism," 
or to sneer at " purists," or to stigmatize refinement 
as squeamish pruriency. There is much pure gold 
in the Old English Comedy ; but the dirt that is in 
it should always be cast aside. Nor is the modem 
theatre under any sort of obligation to treat that 
body of stage literature as it it were a celestial reve- 
lation. The present book of " The School for 
Scandal," prepared by Augustin Daly, has been 
edited in a spirit harmonious with these views. The 
coarseness of the scandal-mongering colloquies has 
been expunged and the story made no less cleanly 
than it is direct and forcible, as well as pertinent to 
conventional experience. A few sentences have 
been dropped, in order to shorten the piece, and a 
few others have been transposed— the objects sought 
being incessant movement and the circumscription 
of each act within a single scenic picture. This 
comedy is not only the best work of one of the most 
brilliant writers that ever lived, but it is one of the 
best dramatic pieces ever written, and the revival 
of it from time to time will, doubtless, continue to 
occur upon the stage as long as the stage endures. 
This certainly should be hoped, for " The School for 
Scandal" teaches charity and reticence ; and these 
are among the greatest virtues that adorn character 
and sanctify life. 



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THE SCHOOI. FOR SCANDAL. 

ACT I. 
Scene:. — Lady Sne;krwe;i<i.'s House. 

Lady Sneerwei^i, enters with Snakk, r. 
u. E. 

Lady Sneer. The paragraphs, Mr. Snake, 
were all inserted ? 

Snake. They were, madam ; and, as I 
copied them myself in a feigned hand, 
there can be no suspicion whence they 
came. 

Lady Sneer. Did you circulate the report 
of Lady Brittle' s intrigue with Captain 
Boastall ? \_Sits on sofa, r. 

Snake. That 's in as fine a train as your 
ladyship could wish. In the common course 



tibe Scbool for ScauDal 



of things, I think it must reach Mrs. Clack- 
itt's ears within four-and-twenty hours ; and 
then the business is as good as done, for you 
know Mrs. Clackitt has a very pretty talent, 
and a great deal of industry. [5"//^.] But 
then she wants that delicacy of tint and mel- 
lowness of sneer which distinguishes your 
ladyship's scandal. 

[A servant enters with chocolate, which he 
serves to both, and stands in the back- 
grotind until they retur7i their cups.'] 

Lady Sneer. Ah ! You are partial, 
Snake. 

Snake. Not in the least — everybody al- 
lows that Ivady Sneerwell can do more with 
a word or a look than many can with the 
most labored detail, even when they happen 
to have a little truth on their side to sup- 
port it. 

Lady Sneer. Yes, my dear Snake ; and I 
am no hypocrite to deny the satisfaction I 
reap from the success of my efforts. Wounded 
myself in the early part of my life by the 
envenomed tongue of slander, I confess I 
have since known no pleasure equal to the 



XLbc School for ScanDal 



reducing others to the level of my own 
reputation. 

Snake. Nothing can be more natural. 
But, Lady Sneerwell, there is one affair in 
which you have lately employed me, wherein, 
I confess, I am at a loss to guess your mo- 
tives. 

Lady Sneer. I conceive you mean with 
respect to my neighbor, Sir Peter Teazle, 
and his family ? 

Snake. I do. Here are two young men, 
to whom Sir Peter has acted as a kind of 
guardian since their father's death ; the eld- 
est possessing the most amiable character, 
and universally well spoken of — the young- 
est, the most dissipated and extravagant 
young fellow in the kingdom, without friends 
or character ; the former an avowed admirer 
of your ladyship's, and apparently your 
favorite ; the latter attached to Maria, Sir 
Peter's ward, and confessedly beloved by her. 
Now, on the face of these circumstances, 
it is utterly unaccountable to me why you, 
the widow of a city knight, with a good 
jointure, should not close with the passion 
of a man of such character and expecta- 



^be Scbool for ScauC)aI 



tions as Mr. Surface ; and more so, why you 
should be so uncommonly earnest to destroy 
the mutual attachment subsisting between 
his brother Charles and Maria. 

Lady Sneer. \_Laying her cup on table. '\ 
Then at once, to unravel this mystery, I 
must inform you that love has no share 
whatever in the intercourse between Joseph 
Surface and me. 

Snake. No ? {^Handing his cup to Ser- 
vant, who exits. '\ 

Lady Sneer. His real attachment is to 
Maria, or her fortune; but finding in his 
brother a favored rival, he has been obliged 
to mask his pretensions, and profit by my 
assistance. 

Snake. Yet I am still more puzzled 
why you should interest yourself in his 
success. 

Lady Sneer. \_Rises and goes cl Heav- 
ens ! how dull you are. Cannot you* sur- 
mise the weakness w^hich I hitherto, through 
shame, have concealed even from you ? Must 
I confess that Charles, that libertine, that 
extravagant, that bankrupt in fortune and 
reputation, that he it is for whom I 'm thus 



tlbe Scbool tot ScanDal 



anxious and malicious, and to gain whom I 
would sacrifice every thing ? [Si^s x,. 

Snake. IJ^ises.l Now, indeed, your con- 
duct seems consistent ; but how came you 
and Joseph so confidential? 

[Stands by Lady Snkerwki,!.. 

Lady Sneer. For our mutual interest. I 
have found him out a long time since. I 
know him to be artful, selfish, and malicious 
— in short, a sentimental knave ; while with 
Sir Peter, and indeed with all his acquaint- 
ance, he passes for a youthful miracle of 
prudence, good sense, and benevolence. 

Snake. [Sits.'] Yes ; yet Sir Peter vows 
he has not his equal in England — and above 
all he praises him as a man of sentiment. 

Lady Sneer. True — and with the assist- 
ance of his sentiment and hypocrisy he has 
brought him entirely into his interest with 
regard to Maria ; while poor Charles has no 
friend in the house, though, I fear, he has a 
powerful one in Maria's heart, against whom 
we must direct our schemes. 

Enter Servant, from -l,. 
Serv. Mr. Surface. 



^be School tov ScanDal 



L ady Sneer. [ Crosses r. ] Sh o w him up 
\^Exit Servant, i..] He generally call 
about this time. \_Going r.] I don't won 
der at people giving him to me for a lover. 

Eiiter Joseph Surface, c. 

Jos. Surf, [c] My dear Ivady Sneerwell 
how do you do to-day ? Mr. Snake, you > 
most obedient. 

Lady S7ieer. [r.] Snake has just been 
rallying me on our mutual attachment ; but 
I have informed him of our real views. You 
know how useful he has been to us, and, 
believe me, the confidence is not ill-placed. 

{^Sits R. 

Jos. Surf. Madam, it is impossible for me 
to suspect a man of Mr. Snake's sensibilitv 
and discernment. 

Lady Sneer. Well, well, no compliment; 
now ; but tell me when you saw your mis 
tress, Maria, or, what is more material t( 
me, your brother. 

Jos. Surf. \_Sits.'] I have not seen eithei 
since I left you ; but I can inform you that 
tliey never meet. Some of your stories have 
taken a good effect on Maria. 



Zbc School tor ScanDal 



Lady Sneer. Ah ! my dear Snake, the 
merit of this belongs to you ; but do your 
brother's distresses increase? 

Jos. Surf. Every hour. I am told he has 
had another execution in the house yester- 
day. In short, his dissipation and extrava- 
gance exceed every thing I ever heard of. 

Lady Sneer. Poor Charles ! 

Jos. Surf. True, madam ; notwithstand- 
ing his vices, one cannot help feeling for 
him. Poor Charles ! I am sure I wish it 
were in my power to be of any essential ser- 
vice to him ; for the man who does not feel 
for the distresses of a friend, even though 
merited by his own misconduct, deserves — 

Lady Sneer. O Ivud ! \_Rises and goes c] 
You are going to be moral, and forget that 
you are among friends. 

Jos. Smf. Egad, that 's true ! I '11 keep 
that sentiment till I see Sir Peter. 

\_Knock heard outside. 

Snake. I believe, Lady Sneerwell, here 's 
company coming. I '11 go and copy the 
letter I mentioned to you. \^Goes up."] Mr. 
Surface, your most obedient. 



8 c:bc Scbool tor ScanDal 

Jos. Surf. {^Turning to Snake.] Sir, 
your very devoted. \_Exit Snake, R. c] 
Lady Sneerwell, I am very sorry you have 
put any further confidence in that fellow. 

Lady Sneer. Why so ? 

Jos. Surf, [r.] I have lately detected 
him in frequent conference with old Rowley, 
who was formerly my father's steward, and 
has never, you know, been a friend of mine. 

Lady Sneer. And do you think he would 
betray us ? 

Jos. Surf. Nothing more likely. [Lady 
SneerweI/Iy goes R. ] Take my word for it. 
He has not honesty enough to be faithful 
even to his own villainy. — Ah ! Maria ! 

\_Crosses iv. 

Enter Maria, Iv., preceded by Servant. 

Lady Sneer, [r.] Maria, my dear, how 
do you do ? What 's the matter ? 

Mar. [c] Oh ! that disagreeable lover 
of mine, Sir Benjamin Backbite, has just 
called at my guardian's with his odious 
uncle, Crabtree ; so I slipped out, and ran 
hither to avoid them. 

Lady Sneer. Is that all ? 



XLbc School tot Scandal 



Jos. Surf, [iv.] If my brother Charles 
had been of the party, madam, perhaps you 
would not have been so much alarmed. 

[Maria siis r. 

Lady Sneer. Nay, now you are severe ; 
for I dare swear the truth of the matter is 
Maria heard you were here. \Sits.'\ But, 
my dear, what has Sir Benjamin done, that 
you should avoid him so ? 

Mar. Oh ! he has done nothing — but 't is 
for what he has said ; his conversation is a 
perpetual libel on all his acquaintance. 

Jos. Surf. Ay, and the worst of it is, 
there is no advantage in not knowing him 
— for he '11 abuse a stranger just as soon as 
his best friend ; and his uncle Crabtree 's as 
bad. 

Lady Sneer. Nay, but we should make 
allowance. — Sir Benjamin is a wit and a 
poet. 

Mar. For my part, I own, madam, wit 
loses its respect with me, when I see it in 
company with malice. 

Lady Sneer. Pshaw ! — there 's no possi- 
bility of being witty without a little ill- 



XTbe Scbool tor ScanDal 



nature : the malice of a good thing is the 
barb that makes it stick. 

^«/^r Skrvant, Iv. 

Serv. Mrs. Candour. 

\^Exit Servant, c. 

Lady Sneer. Now, Maria, here is a char- 
acter to your taste ; for though Mrs. Can- 
dour is a little talkative, everybody allows 
her to be the best natured and best sort of 
woman. 

Mar. Yes, with a very gross affectation 
of good-nature and benevolence she does 
more mischief than the direct malice of old 
Crabtree. 

Jos. Surf. V faith that 's true, Lady Sneer- 
well ; whenever I hear the current running 
against the characters of my friends, I never 
think them in such danger as when Candour 
undertakes their defence. 

Lady Sneer. Hush ! — here she is. 

\_Goes to meet Mrs. Candour. 

Servant shows in Mrs. Candour, i,. 

Mrs. Can. My dear Lady Sneerwell, how 
h?.ve you been this century ? Mr. Sur- 



Zbc Scbool for ScanDal 



face, what news do you hear? — though in- 
deed it is no matter, for I think one hears 
nothing else but scandal. 

yos. Surf, [i,.] Just so, indeed, ma'am. 

Mrs. Can. {^Crosses to Maria, and sits 
on chair r.] Oh, Maria ! child, — what ! is 
the whole affair off between you and 
Charles? — His extravagance, I presume — 
the town talks of nothing else. 

3Tar. [r.] I am very sorry, ma'am, the 
town has so little to do. 

Mrs. Can. [r. c] True, true, child; 
but there 's no stopping people's tongues. 
I own I was hurt to hear it, as I indeed was 
to learn, from the same quarter, that your 
guardian, Sir Peter, and Lady Teazle have 
not agreed lately as well as could be wished. 

3far. 'T is strangely impertinent for 
people to busy themselves so. 

3Irs. Can. Very true, child : — but what 's 
to be done ? — People will talk — there 's no 
preventing it. Why, it was but yesterday I 
was told that Miss Gadabout had eloped 
with Sir Filigree Flirt. — But, Lord ! there 's 
no minding what one hears ; though, to be 
sure, I had this from very good authority. 



^be Scbool tor ScanDal 



Mar. Such reports are highly scandalous. 

Mrs. Can. So they are, child — shameful, 
shameful ! But the world is so censorious — 

no character escapes. Ivord, now, who 

would have suspected your friend, Miss 
Prim, of an indiscretion ? Yet such is the 
ill-nature of people that they say her uncle 
stopped her last week just as she was step- 
ping into the York Mail with her dancing- 
master. 

Mar. I '11 answer for it, there are no 
grounds for that report. 

Jos. Surf. The license of invention some 
people take is monstrous indeed. 

Mar. 'T is so ; {Rises.'] but, in my 
opinion, those who report such things are 
equally culpable. 

3Irs. Can. To be sure they are : {^Rises.] 
tale-bearers are as bad as the tale-makers — 
't is an old observation, and a very true one. 
But what 's to be done ? as I said before : 
how will you prevent people from talking ? 

Jos. Surf. Ah, Mrs. Candour! \_Rises.'] 
If everybody had your forbearance and good- 
nature ! [IvADY Sneer, joins Maria. 

Mrs. Can, I confess, Mr. Surface, I can- 



^be Scbool for Scan&al 13 

not bear to hear people attacked behind their 
backs ; and when ugly circumstances come 
out against our acquaintance, I own I always 
love to think the best. By the by, I hope 
't is not true that your brother is absolutely 
ruined? 

Jos. Surf. I am afraid his circumstances 
are very bad indeed, ma'am. 

M7'S. Can. Ah! I heard so — but you must 
tell him to keep up his spirits ; everybody 
almost is in the same way ; so if Charles is 
undone, he '11 find half his acquaintance 
ruined too, and that, you know, is a consola- 
tion. 

Jos. Surf. Doubtless, ma'am — a very great 
one. 

Enter Servant, i.. 

Serv. Mr. Crabtree and Sir Benjamin 
Backbite. \_Exit Servant. 

Lady Sneer. So, Maria, you see your 
lover pursues you. [Maria makes an at- 
tempt to go away.'\ Positively you sha'n't 
escape. 

Enter Crabtree and Sir Benjamin 
Backbite, i,. 



14 ^be Scbool tot ScanDal 

Crab. Lady Sneerwell, I kiss your hand. 
[Crosses to MRS; Candotjr.]— Mrs. Candour, 
I don't believe you are acquainted with my 
nephew, Sir Benjamin Backbite? Egad! 
ma'am, he has a pretty wit, and is a pretty 
poet too ; is n't he, Lady Sneerwell ? 

Sir Ben. [i^.] O fie, uncle ! 

Crab. [r. c] Nay, egad, it 's true ; I 
back him at a rebus or a charade against the 
best rhymer in the kingdom. — Has youi 
ladyship heard the epigram he wrote last 
week on Lady Frizzle's feather catching fire ? 
— Do, Benjamin, repeat it, or the charade 
you made last night extempore at Mrs 
Drowzie's conversazione. Come now ! 

Sir Ben. Uncle, now — prythee 

\_Crosses r. c. 

Crab. V faith, ma'am, 't would surprise 
you to hear how ready he is at these things. 

\^Sits I., zuith Mrs. Candour. 

Lady Sneer. \Sits r.] I wonder, Sii* 
Benjamin, you never publish any thing. 

{Chocolate is here handed round by the 
Servant.] 



zrbe Scbool tor ScanDal 15 

Sir Ben. To say truth, ma'am, 't is very- 
vulgar to print, and as my little productions 
are mostly satires and lampoons on particu- 
lar people, I find they circulate more by 
giving copies in confidence to the friends 
of the parties. \_Crosses to Maria.] How- 
ever, I have some love elegies which, when 
favored with this lady's smiles, I mean to 
give the public. 

Crab. 'Fore heaven, ma'am, they '11 im- 
mortalize you ! — you will be handed down to 
posterity, like Petrarch's Laura or Waller's 
Sacharissa. 

Sir Ben. Yes, madam, I think you will 
like them, when you shall see them on a 
beautiful quarto page, where a neat rivulet 
of text shall murmur through a meadow of 
margin, — 'Fore Gad, they will be the most 
elegant things of their kind. 

Crab. [Tc* Mrs. Candour.] But, ladies, 
that 's true — have you heard the news ? 

Mrs. Can. What, sir, do you mean the 
report of 

Crab. No, ma'am, that 's not it — Miss 
Nicely is going to be married to her own 
tootman. 



i6 Ube Scbool for ScanDal 



Mrs. Can. Impossible ! 

Crab. Ask Sir Benjamin. 

Sir Ben. \_Going c] 'T is very true, 
ma'am ; every thing is fixed, and the wed- 
ding liveries bespoke. 

[ The Servant removes cups, and exits. 

Mrs. Can. {^Crosses c] It can't be — and 
I wonder any one should believe such a 
story, of so prudent a lady as Miss Nicely. 

Sir Ben. [r. c] O Lud ! ma'am, that 's 
the very reason 't was believed at once. She 
has always been so cautious and so reserved 
that everybody was sure there was some 
reason for it at bottom. 

Mrs. Can. Well, but this may be all a 
mistake. You know. Sir Benjamin, very 
trifling circumstances often give rise to the 
most injurious tales. 

Crab. That they do, I '11 be sworn, ma'am. 
\_To Surface.] O Ivud ! Mr. Surface, pray 
is it true that your uncle. Sir Oliver, is 
coming home ? 

Jos Surf, [i,.] Not that I know of, in- 
deed, sir. 

Crab. [r. of Joseph.] He has been in 



Ebe Scbool tor ScanDal 17 

the Bast Indies a long time. You can 
scarcely remember him, I believe ?— Sad 
comfort, whenever he returns, to hear how 
your brother has gone on ! 

Jos. Surf. Charles has been imprudent, 
sir, to be sure ; but I hope no busy people 
have already prejudiced Sir Oliver against 
him. He may reform. 

Sir Ben. To be sure he may : for my 
part, I never believed him to be so utterly 
void of principle as people say ; and though 
he has lost all his friends, I am told nobody 
is better spoken of by the Jews. 

Crab. That 's true, egad, nephew. If the 
old Jewry was a ward, I believe Charles 
would be an alderman : — no man more pop- 
ular there, 'fore Gad ! I hear that whenever 
he is sick they have prayers for the recovery 
of his health in all the synagogues. 

{^Crosses r. c. 

Sir Ben. Yet no man lives in greater 
splendor. They tell me when he entertains 
his friends, he will sit down to dinner with a 
dozen of his own securities : have a score of 
tradesmen waiting in the antechamber, and 
in officer behind every guest's chair. 



i8 ^be Scbool for ScanC)aI 

Jos. Surf. This may be entertainment to 
you, gentlemen, hut you pay very little 
regard to the feelings of a brother. 

\_Goes up c. 

Mar. Their malice is intolerable. 

\Goes up. 

Mrs. Cau. O dear ! she changes color 
very much. [ Whispered. 

Lady Sneer. 'T was nothing but that she 
could not bear to hear Charles reflected on, 
notwithstanding their difference. 

\Goes up to meet other guests, who ar- 
rive at the back ; others follow at in- 
tervals. '\ 
Sir Ben. The young lady's penchant is 
obvious. {Ci^osses r. c. 

Crab. But, Benjamin, you must not give 
up the pursuit for that : follow her, and put 
her in good humor. Aye, 'fore Gad, repeat 
to her some of your verses ; — by the by, 
your epigram on Lady Betty's ponies. 

Mrs. Can. [r.] Yes, do; let us all hear 
it. 

Jos. Surf Yes, yes, the epigram, by all 
means. 



Zbc School for ScanDal 



Sir Ben. O plague on 't, uncle ! 't is 
mere nonsense. 

Crab, No, no ; 'fore Gad, very clever for 
an extempore ! 

Sir Ben. [c] But, ladies, you should be 
acquainted with the circumstance. You 
must know, that one day last week, as Lady 
Betty Curricle was taking the dust in Hyde 
Park, in a sort of duodecimo phaeton, she 
desired me to write some verses on her 
ponies ; upon which I took out my pocket- 
book, and in one moment produced the 
following : 

Sure uever were seen two such beautiful ponies ; 
Other horses are clowns, but these maccaronies ; 
To give them this title I 'm sure is not wrong, 
Their legs are so slim, and their tails are so long. 

\Going -L,. 
Crab. There, ladies, done in the smack 
of a whip, and on horseback, too. 

Joseph Surf. [r.] A very Phoebus, 
mounted — indeed, Sir Benjamin. 
Sir Ben. O dear, sir ! trifles — trifles. 
Mrs. Can. I must have a copy. 
Servant enters. 



20 xibc Scbool for ScanOal 

Serv. \_Announcing'] Lady Teazle ! 
Enter \,KDY Teazi^e. 

Lady Sneer. Lady Teazle ! \Saluting 
IvADY TeazIvE on both cheeks. '\ I hope we 
shall see Sir Peter ? 

Lady Teaz. I believe he '11 wait on your 
ladyship presently. {Goes i,. 

Mrs. Can. {Advancing ivith Crabtree 
and Sir Benjamin.] Now, I '11 die, but 
you are all so scandalous, I '11 forswear your 
society. 

Lady Teaz. What 's the matter, Mrs. 
Candour ? 

Mrs. Can. [i,. c] They '11 not allow our 
friend, Miss Vermilion, to be handsome. 

Lady Sneer, [r. c] Oh, surely, she is a 
pretty woman. 

Crab, [r.] I am very glad you think so, 
ma'am. 

Mrs. Can. She has a charming fresh color. 

Lady Teaz. {Crosses, c] Yes, when it 
is fresh put on. 

Mrs. Can. Oh, fie ! I '11 swear her color 
is natural : I have seen it come and go. 



Cbe Scbool tor Sc?.:tMl 



Lady Teaz. I dare swear ycu have, 
ma'am : it goes off at night, and comes 
again in the morning. 

{^Crosses to c. 

Mrs. Can. Ha ! ha ! ha ! How I hate to 
hear you talk so ! But surely now, her sister 
is^ or was, very handsome. 

Crab. Wno ? Mrs. Evergreen ? O Lord ! 
she 's six and fifty if she 's an hour. 

{Crosses l. c. 

Mrs. Can. Now positively you wrong 
her ; fifty-two or fifty-three is the utmost — 
and I don't think she looks more. 

Sir Ben. [r. c] Ah ! there 's no judging 
by her looks, unless one could see her face. 

Mrs. Can. [Crosses c] Well, well, if 
Mrs. Evergreen does not take some pains to 
repair the ravages of time, you must allow 
she effects it with great ingenuity ; and 
surely that 's better than the careless man- 
ner in which the widow Ochre calks her 
wrinkles. 

Sir Ben. Come, come, 't is not that she 
paints so ill — but when she has finished her 
face, she joins it on so badly to her neck that 
she looks like a mended statue, in which the 



22 XLbc Scbool for ScanDal 

connoisseur may see at once that the head h 
modem, though the trunk is antique. 

Crab. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Well said, nephew ! 

[Music is heard in the inner room and the 
guests pass to and fro. '\ 

Mrs. Can. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Well, you make 
me laugh ; but I vow I hate you for it. What 
do you think of Miss Simper ? 

Sir Ben. Why, she has very pretty teeth. 

Lady Teaz. Yes, and on that account, 
when she is neither speaking nor laughing 
(which very seldom happens), she never 
absolutely shuts her mouth, but leaves it 
always ajar, as it were — thus. 

\^Shows her teeth. 

Mrs. Can. How can you be so ill-natured ? 

Lady Teaz. Nay, I allow even that 's 
better than the pains Mrs. Prim takes to 
conceal her losses in front. She draws her 
mouth till it positively resembles the aper- 
ture of a poor's box, and all her words 
appear to slide out edgewise, as it were — 
thus, How do you do, madam ? Yes, madam. 

[Mimics. 



^be Scbool for ScanOal 23 

Lady Sneer. Very well, Lady Teazle; I 
see you can be a little severe. 

Serv. \_Announces] Sir Peter Teazle. 

Lady Teaz. O Lud ! here comes Sir Peter 
to spoil our pleasantry. {^Crosses r. 

E7iter Sir Peter Teazi^e. 

Sir Pet. Ladies, your most obedient serv- 
ant. [^Aside.'] Mercy on me ! here is the 
whole set ! a character dead at every word, I 
suppose. 

Mrs. Can. I am rejoiced you are come. 
Sir Peter. They have been so censorious — 
they '11 allow good qualities to nobody. 

Sir Pet. That must be very distressing to 
you, indeed, Mrs. Candour. 

Mrs. Can. Not even good-nature to our 
friend, Mrs. Pursy. 

Lady Teaz. [c] What, the fat dowager 
who was at Mrs. Quadrille's last night ? 

Mrs. Can. Nay, but her bulk is her mis- 
fortune ; and when she takes such pains to 
get rid of it, you ought not to reflect on her. 

Lady Sneer. That 's very true, indeed. 

Lady Teaz. Yes, I know she almost lives 
on acids and small whey ; laces herself by 



24 Zbc Scbool for Scandal 

pulleys ; and often in the hottest noon in 
summer you may see her on a little squat 
pony, with her hair plaited up behind like a 
drummer's, and puffing round the Ring on 
a full trot, \_Imitates, going r. 

3Irs. Can. I thank you. Lady Teazle, for 
defending her. 

Sir Pet. Yes, a good defence truly ! 

Sir Ben. Ah ! you are both of you too 
good-natured. 

Sir Pet. Yes, confoundedly good-natured. 

l^Goes I.. 

Sir Ben. And Mrs. Candour is of so 
moral a turn. 

Mrs. Can. Well, I will never join ridi- 
culing a friend ; and so I constantly tell my 
cousin Ogle ; and you all know what pre- 
tensions she has to be critical on beauty. 

Crab. Oh, to be sure ! she has herself the 
oddest countenance that ever was seen ; 't is 
a collection of features from all the different 
countries of the globe. 

Sir Ben. So she has, indeed — an Irish 
front 

Crab. Caledonian locks 

Sir Ben. Dutch nose- 



Zbc School for ScanOal 25 

Crad. Austrian lips — — 

Sir Ben. Complexion of a Spaniard 

Crab. And teeth a la Chinois 

Sir Ben. In short, her face resembles a 
table-d ''hdte at Spa — where no two guests are 
of a nation 

Crab. Or a congress at the close of a gen- 
eral war — wherein all the members, even to 
her eyes, appear to have a different interest, 
and her nose and chin are the only parties 
likely to join issue. 

Mrs. Can. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Sir Pet. Mercy on my life ! — a person 
they dine with twice a week. \_Aside. 

Mrs. Can. Nay, but I vow you shall not 
carry the laugh off so — for, give me leave to 
say, that Mrs. Ogle 

Sir Pet. {^Crosses c. to Mrs. Candour.] 
Madam, madam, I beg your pardon — there 's 
no stopping these good gentlemen's tongues. 
But when I tell you, Mrs. Candour, that the 
lady they are abusing is a particular friend 
of mine, I hope you '11 not take her part. 

[Mrs. Candour goes up the stage. 
Lady Sneer. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Well said, Sir 



26 ^be Scbool tor Scandal 

Peter ! but you are a cruel creature — too 
phlegmatic yourself for a jest, and too 
peevish to allow wit in others. 

Sir Pet. Ah ! madam, true wit is more 
nearly allied to good-nature than your lady- 
ship is aware of. 

\Goes up ayid joins Mrs. Candour. 

Lady Teaz. True, Sir Peter ; I believe 
they are so near akin that they can never be 
united. 

Sir Ben. Or rather, suppose them man 
and wife, because one so seldom sees them 
together. 

Lady Teaz. But Sir Peter is such an enemy 
to scandal, I believe he would have it put 
down by parliament. 

[Mrs. Candour a^id Lady Snekrwei^Iv 
come down each side (t/Sir Pete;r.] 

Sir Pet. 'Fore heaven, madam, I would, 
and then no person should be permitted to 
kill characters and run down reputation but 
{between Mrs. Candour and Lady Snkkr- 
WEiyiv] qualified old maids and disappointed 
widows. {Goes i,. 

Lady Sneer. Go, you monster. 



^be Scbool tor ScanDal 27 

Mrs. Can. But surely you would not be 
quite so severe on those who only report 
what they hear ? 

Sir Pet. Yes, madam, I would have law 
for them too ; and in all cases of slander 
currency, whenever the drawer of the lie 
was not to be found, the injured parties 
should have a right to come on any of the 
indorsers. 

Servant enters i,, and whispers Sir Peter. 

Crab. Well, for my part, I believe there 
never was a scandalous tale without some 
foundation. 

All. Never ! Never ! 

Sir Pet. Nine times out of ten founded on 
some idle rumor or groundless misrepresen- 
tation. \_To the Servant.] I '11 be with 
them directly. \^Exit Servant.] I '11 get 
away unperceived. \_Apart and gohig i,. 

Lady Sneer. Sir Peter, you are not going 
to leave us just as the dance begins. 

Sir Pet. Your ladyship must excuse me ; 
I 'm called away by particular business. But 
I leave my character behind me. 

\_Exit Sir Peter, i< 



28 tlbe Scbool for Scandal 

Sir Ben. Well — certainly, Lady Teazle, 
that lord of yours is a strange being ; I 
could tell you some stories of him that 
would make you laugh heartily, if he were 
not your husband. 

Lady Teaz. Oh, pray don't mind that ; — 
why don't you? — Come, do let 's hear them. 
\_They all go up q.^ joining the rest of the 
company going into the inner room.'] 

Jos. Surf. [Coming down from r. to i,. 
7vith Maria.] Maria, I see you have no 
satisfaction in this society. 

Mar. [iv.] How is it possible I should ? — 
If to raise malicious smiles at the infirmities 
or misfortunes of those who have never in- 
jured us be the province of wit or humor, 
Heaven grant me a double portion of dul- 
ness ! 

Jos. Surf But can you, Maria, feel thus 
for others, aud be unkind to me alone ? 
— Is hope to be denied the tenderest pas- 
sion ? 

Mar. Why will you distress me by renew- 
ing this subject ? 

Jos. Surf Ah, Maria ! you would not treat 
me thus, and oppose your guardian. Sir 






^be Scbool for ScanOal 



Peter's will, but that I see that profligate 
Charles is still a favored rival. 

Mar. Ungenerously urged ! {^Crossing ^.1 
But whatever my sentiments are for that un- 
fortunate young man, be assured I shall not 
feel more bound to give him up because hif; 
distresses have lost him the regard even of a 
brother. \_Govig up. 

Jos. Surf. \_Following her and getting r. ] 
Nay, but, Maria, do not leave me with :• 
frown : by all that 's honest, I swear- 
\^Kneels.'\ Gad's life, here 's Ivady Teazle! 
— ^You must not — no, you shall not — for, 
though I have the greatest regard for Lady 
Teazle 

[L/ADY Teazi^k advances i,, c. 

Mar. Lady Teazle ! 

Jos. Surf. Yet, were Sir Peter to sus- 
pect 

Lady Teaz. What is this, pray ? [Maria 
goes I..] Child, you are wanted in the next 
room. {^Exit Maria, c] — What is all this, 
pray? 

Jos. Surf Oh, the most unlucky circum- 
stance in nature ! Maria has somehow sus- 



^be Scbool for ScanDal 



pected the tender concern I have for your 
happiness, and threatened to acquaint Sir 
Peter with her suspicions, and I was just 
endeavoring to reason with her when you 
came in. 

Lady Teaz. Indeed ! but you seemed tc* 
adopt a very tender method of reasoning- 
do you usually argue on your knees ? 

Jos. Surf. Oh, the 's a child, and I thought 

a little bombast But, Lady Teazle, 

when are you to give me your judgment on 
my library, as you promised ? 

Lady Teaz. No, no ; I begin to think it 
would be imprudent, and although one must 
not be out of the fashion, I have so many ol 
my country prejudices left, that, though Sir 
Peter's ill-humor may vex me ever so much, 
it never shall provoke me to 

Jos. Surf. The only revenge in your power 
Well, I applaud your moderation. 

Lady Teaz. Go — you are an insinuating 
wretch. \^Crosses r.] — But we shall be 
missed — let us join the company. 

Jos. Surf. But we had better not return 
together. 

Lady Teaz. Well — don't stay ; for Maria 



XLbc Scbool for Scandal 31 

sha'n't come to hear any more of your rea- 
soning, I promise you. 

[IvADY Tkazi^e ^'oes up c. Music of 

" Mijiuet.'] 

Jos. Surf. A curious dilemma, truly, my 
politics have run me into ! I wanted at first 
only to ingratiate myself with Lady Teazle, 
that she might not be my enemy with Maria ; 
and I have, I don't know how, become her 
serious lover. Sincerely, I begin to wish I 
had never made such a point of gaining so 
very good a character, for it has led me into 
so many confounded rogueries, that I doubt 
I shall be exposed at last. 

[Exit R. as Minuet begins. 

THE) CURTAIN FAI.LS AT THEJ END OF THE 
DANCE. 




-^-^^^n^m^S:^^^- 



ACT II. 

ScENK.— Sir Peter's House. An elegant 
Saloon. Efitrances r. and i^. 

Enter I^ady Teazle and Sir Peter, l. 

Sh' Pet. I^ady Teazle, I '11 not bear it. 

Lady Teaz. [ly.] Sir Peter, Sir Peter, you 
may bear it or not, as you please ; but I 
ought to have my own way in every thing ; 
and what 's more, I will, too. What ! though 
I was educated in the country, I know very 
well that women of fashion in lyondon are 
accountable to nobody after they are mar- 
ried. 

Sir Pet. [r.] Very well, ma'am, very well 
— so a husband is to have no influence, no 
authority ? 

Lady Teaz Authority ! no, to be sure : if 
you wanted authority over me, you should 

32 



ZTbc Scbool for Scan&al 33 

have adopted me, and not married me : I am 
sure you were old enough. 

[Crosses r. wz^k a sly laugh. 

Sir Pet, Old enough ! — ay — there it is. 
Well, well, Ivady Teazle, though my life may 
be made unhappy by your temper, I '11 not 
be ruined by your extravagance. 

Lady Teaz. [^Arranging her hat at mirror, 
R.J My extravagance ! I 'm sm-e I 'm not 
more extravagant than a woman ought to 
be. 

Sir Pet. No, no, madam, you shall throw 
away no more sums on such unmeaning 
luxury. 'Slife ! to spend as much to furnish 
your dressing-room with flowers in winter as 
would suffice to give a fSte charnpStre at 
Christmas ! 

Lady Teaz. Lord, Sir Peter, am I to blame, 
because flowers are dear in cold weather.^ 
You should find fault with the climate, and 
not with me. For my part, I am sure, I wish 
it was spring all the year round, and that 
roses grew under our feet ! \^Goes i,. 

Sir Pet. Oons ! madam, if you had been 
bom to this, I should n't wonder at your 
a 



34 ^be Scbool for Scan&al 

talking thus ; but you forget what your situ- 
ation was when I married you. 

Lady Teaz. No, no, I don't ; 't was a very 
disagreeable one, or I should never have 
married you. \Sits. 

Sir Pet. Yes, yes, madam, you were then 
in somewhat a humbler style : — the daughter 
of a plain country squire. Recollect, Lady 
Teazle, when I saw you first, sitting at your 
tambour, in a pretty figured linen gown, 
with a bunch of keys at your side ; your 
hair combed smooth over a roll, and your 
apartment hung round with fruits in worsted 
of your own working. 

Lady Teaz. Oh, yes ! I remember it very 
well, and a curious life I led. My daily 
occupation to inspect the dairy, superintend 
the poultry, make extracts from the famil}-- 
receipt-book, and comb my Aunt Deborah's 
lap-dog. 

Sir Pet. Yes, yes, ma'am, 't was so in- 
deed. \_^Sits R. 

Lady Teaz. And then, you know, my 
evening amusements ! To draw patterns for 
ruffles which I had not the materials to 
make up ; to read a novel to my aunt ; 



^be Scbool for ScanDal 35 

[I^ises.^ or to be stuck down to an old 
spinet to strum my father to sleep after 
a fox-chase. {^Goes z,. 

Sir Pet. [r. ] I am glad you have so good 
a memory. \_Rises.'\ Yes, madam, these 
were the recreatious I took you from ; but 
now you must have your coach — vis-a-vis — 
three powdered footmen before your chair ; 
and in the summer a pair of white cats to 
draw you to Kensington Gardens. No recol- 
lection, I suppose, when you were content 
to ride double, behind the butler on a 
dock'd coach-horse. 

Lady Teaz. [c] No — I swear I never did 
that : I deny the butler and the coach-horse. 

{Goes x,. 

Sir Pet. This, madam, was your situation ; 
and what have I done for you ? I have made 
you a woman of fashion, of fortune, of rank ; 
in short, I have made you my wife. 

Lady Teaz. Well, then — and there is but 
one thing more you can make me add to the 
obligation, and that is 

Sir Pet. My widow, I suppose ? 

Lady Teaz. Hem ! hem ! \^Crosses R. 



36 ^be Scbool tor ScanDal 

Sir Pet. I thank you, madam — but don't 
flatter yourself; for though your ill-conduct 
may disturb my peace of mind, it shall nevei' 
break my heart, I promise you : however, 1 
am equally obliged to you for the hint. 

Lady Teaz. Then why will you endeavor 
to make yourself so disagreeable to me, and 
thwart me in every little elegant expense ? 

\_Going c. 

Sir Pet. [r.] 'Slife, madam, I say, had 
you any of these little elegant expenses 
when you married me ? 

Lady Teaz. Lud, Sir Peter ! would you 
have me be out of the fashion ? 

Sir Pet. The fashion, indeed ! What had 
you to do with the fashion before you mar- 
ried me ? 

Lady Teaz. For my part, I should think 
you would like to have your wife thought a 
woman of taste. 

Sir Pet. Ay — there again — taste ! Zounds \ 
madam, you had no taste when you married 
me ! 

Lady Teaz, \^Laughs heartily at him, and 
he goes round to r.] That 's very true in- 



Zbc Scbool tor Scandal 37 



deed, Sir Peter, and after having married 
you, I should never pretend to taste again, I 
allow. But now. Sir Peter, since we have 
finished our daily jangle, I presume I may 
go to my engagement at I^ady Sneerwell's. 

Sir Pet. Ay, there 's another precious cir- 
cumstance — a charming set of acquaintance 
you have made there. 

Lady Teaz. Nay, Sir Peter, they are all 
people of rank and fortune, and remarkably 
tenacious of reputation. 

Sir Pet. Yes, egad, they are tenacious of 
reputation with a vengeance : for they don't 
choose anybody should have a character but 
themselves ! Such a crew ! Ah ! many a 
wretch has rid on a hurdle who has done 
less mischief than these utterers of forged 
tales, coiners of scandal, and clippers of 
reputation. {^Crosses \,. 

Lady Teaz. What ! would you restrain 
the freedom of speech ? 

Sir Pet. Ah ! they have made you just as 
bad as any one of the society. 

Lady Teaz. Why, I believe I do bear a 
part with a tolerable grace. \_At mirror. 

Sir Pet. Grace, indeed ! 



38 Zbc Scbool for ScanOal 

Lady Teaz. \_Comuig c] But I vow I 
bear no malice against the people I abuse. 
When I say an ill-natured thing 't is out of 
pure good-humor ; and I take it for granted 
they deal exactly in the same manner with 
me. 

Sir Pet. Well, well, I'll call in just to 
look after my own character. 

Lady Teaz. Then indeed you must make 
haste after me, or you '11 be too late. So 
good-by to ye. \_Exit Lady TkazlK, i.. 

Sir Pet. [^Sits Q.'] So, I have gained much 
by my intended expostulation : yet, with 
what a charming air she contradicts every 
thing I say, and how pleasingly she shows 
her contempt for my authority I Well, 
though I can't make her love me, there is 
great satisfaction in quarrelling with her ; 
and I think she never appears to such ad- 
vantage as when she is doing every thing in 
her power to plague me. 

Enter R0WI.KY, l. d. 

Rowley. Ohl Sir Peter, your servant; 
how is it with you, sir? 
Sir Pet. {Taking snuff.'] Very bad. Master 



XTbe Scbool for Scandal 39 

Rowley, very bad. I meet with nothing but 
crosses and vexations. 

Row. \h.\ What can have happened 
since yesterday ? 

Sir Pet. A good question to a married 
man ! 

Row. Nay, I 'm sure. Sir Peter, your 
lady cannot be the cause of your uneasi- 
ness. 

Sir Pet. Why, has anybody told you she 
was dead ? {^Rises. 

Row. Come, come, Sir Peter, you love 
her, notwithstanding your tempers don't 
exactly agree. 

Sir Pet. But the fault is entirely hers, 
Master Rowley. I am, myself, the sweetest- 
tempered man alive, and hate a teasing 
temper ; and so I tell her a hundred times a 
■day. 

Row. Indeed ! 

Sir Pet. Ay ! and what is very extraordi- 
nary, in all our disputes she is always in the 
wrong ! Then, to complete my vexations, 
Maria, my ward, whom I ought to have the 
power of a father over, is determined to 
turn rebel too, and absolutely refuses the 



40 tibe Scbool tor Scandal 

man whom I have long resolved on for 
her husband ; meaning, I suppose, to bestow 
herself on his profligate brother. 

Row. You know, sir, I have always taken 
the liberty to differ with you on the subject 
of these two young gentlemen. 

Sir Pet. \Sits^.'\ You are wrong, Master 
Rowley. On their father's death, you know, 
I acted as a kind of guardian to them both, 
till their uncle Sir Oliver's Eastern liberal- 
ity gave them an early independence . of 
course, no person could have more oppor- 
tunities of judging of their hearts, and I was 
never mistaken in my life. Joseph is indeed 
a model for the young men of the age. He 
is a man of sentiment, and acts up to the 
sentiments he professes ; but for the other, 
take my word for 't, if he had any grain of 
virtue by descent, he has dissipated it with 
the rest of his inheritance. 

Row. I am sorry to find you so violent 
against the young man, because this may be 
the most critical period of his fortune. I 
came hither with news that will surprise 
you. 

Sir Pet. What ? let me hear. 



Zbc School for ScanOal 41 

J^ow. Sir Oliver is arrived, and at this 
moment in town. Indeed, he will be shortly 
with you. 

Sir Pet. How? — '^Rises.'\ You astonish 
me ! I thought you did not expect him this 
month. 

Row. I did not ; but his passage has 
been remarkably quick. He will make his 
first call on you. 

Sir Pet. Egad, I shall rejoice to see my 
old friend. 'T is sixteen years since we met. 
We have had many a day together. But 
does he still enjoin us not to inform his 
nephews of his arrival .'' 

Row. Most strictly. He means, before 
it is known, to make some trial of their 
dispositions. 

Sir Pet. Ah ! there needs no art to dis- 
cover their merits — however, he shall have 
his way ; but, pray, does he know I am 
married? 

Row. Yes, and will soon wish you joy. 

Sir Pet. \_Crosses ly.] What, as we drink 
health to a friend in a consumption ? Ah ! 
Oliver will laugh at me. We used to rail at 
matrimony together : but he has been steady 



42 Ubc Scbool tor ScanC)al 

to his text. Well, I '11 instantly give orders 
for his reception. But, Master Rowley, 
don't drop a word that Ivady Teazle and I 
ever disagree. 

T^ozu. By no means. 

Sir Pet. For I should never be able to 
stand Noll's jokes ; so I 'd have him think, 
Lord forgive me, that we are a very happy 
couple. 

Row. I understand you. But then you 
must be very careful not to differ while he is 
in the house with you. 

Sir Pet. Kgad, and so we must — and 
that 's impossible. Ah ! Master Rowley, 
when an old bachelor marries a young wife, 
he deserves — no, the crime carries its pun- 
ishment along with it. {^Crosses R. 

Enter Sts.-r.ya.^'T:, l,. d. 

Serv. Sir Oliver Surface, sir, is below. Sir 
Peter. [£:vit. 

Row. Come, let us go to him. 

Sir Pet. No, no, Master Rowley, I 'd 
never dare to face Noll at this moment. 
\_Pushing him i^.] Go you and receive him 
till I can regain my composure. And, Row- 



Zbc Scbool for ScanDal 43 

ley, break the news of my marriage infelicity 
to him gently. Take the edge of his ridicule 
upon yourself, so that when we meet his 
jests will be easier to bear. Go to him. 

\_Escii: RowivKY, I,. 
Sir Pet. When an old bachelor marries a 
young wife, what is he to expect? 'T is 
now six months since Lady Teazle made me 
the happiest of men — and I have been the 
most miserable dog ever since ! We tiffed 
a little going to church, and came to a quar- 
rel before the bells had done ringing. I was 
more than once nearly choked with gall 
during the honeymoon, and had lost all 
comfort in life before my friends had done 
wishing me joy. I am sneered at by all my 
acquaintance, and paragraphed in the news- 
papers. She dissipates my fortune, and con- 
tradicts all my humors : yet, the worst of it 
is, I doubt I love her, or I should never bear 
all this. However, I '11 never be weak 
enough to own it. {^Exit Sir Pkter, R. 

Enter Sir Owver Surface and 

ROWIyKY, Iv. 

Sir Oliv. [r.] Ha ! ha ! ha ! So my old 



44 ^be Scbool toe ScanDal 

friend is married, hey ? — a young wife out of 
the country — Ha ! ha ! ha ! That he should 
have stood bluff to old bachelor so long, and 
sink into a husband at last. 

Row. [ly.] But you must not rally him 
on the subject, Sir Oliver : 't is a tender 
point, I assure you, though he has been 
married only seven months. 

Sir Oliv. Then he has been just half a 
year on the stool of repentance ! Poor Peter ! 
\Sits c] But you say he has entirely given 
up Charles — never sees him, hey ? 

Row. His prejudice against him is aston- 
ishing, and, I am sure, greatly increased by 
a jealousy of him with I/ady Teazle, which he 
has been industriously led into by a scandal- 
ous society in the neighborhood, who have 
contributed not a little to Charles' ill name. 
Whereas the truth is, I believe, if the lady is 
partial to either of them, his brother is the 
favorite. 

Sir Oliv. [r.] Ay, I know there are a set 
of malicious, prating, impudent gossips, both 
male and female, who murder characters to 
kill time, and will rob a young fellow of his 
good name before he has years to know the 



^be Scbool for ScanOal 45 



value of it. But I am not to be prejudiced 
against my nephew by such, I promise j^ou. 
No, no, if Charles has done nothing false 
or mean, I shall compound for his extrava- 
gance. 

Row. [i<.] Then, my life on 't you will 
reclaim him. Ah, sir ! it gives me new life 
to find thai your heart is not turned against 
him ; and that the son of my good old master 
has one friend, however, left. 

SzrOliv. [Rises.] What, shall I forget. 
Master Rowley, when I was at his years my- 
self? Kgad, my brother and I were neither 
of us very prudent youths ; and yet, I believe, 
you have not seen many better men than your 
old master was. 

Row. Sir, 't is this reflection gives me 
assurance that Charles may yet be a credit 
to his family. [Lookitig off ^.'\ But here 
comes Sir Peter. \_Goes a little up. 

Sir Oliv. Egad, so he does. Mercy on 
me ! — he 's greatly altered — and seems to 
have a settled married look ! One may read 
husband in his face at this distance ! 

Enter Sir Peter Teazi^e, r. 



46 ^be Scbool for Scandal 

Sir Pet. [r.] Ha ! Sir Oliver— my old 
friend ! Welcome to England a thousand 
times ! 

Sir Oliv. [i..] Thank you — thank you, 
Sir Peter ! and i' faith I 'm glad to find you 
well, believe me. 

Sir Pet. [r.] Oh ! 't is a long time since 
we met — fifteen years, I doubt. Sir Oliver, 
and many a cross accident in the time. 

Sir Oliv. Ay, I have had my share. — But 
what ! I find you are married, hey, my old 
boy ? Well, well — it can't be helped — and 
so — I w^ish you joy with all my heart. 

[Servant serves wine to Sir Pe^tkr and 

SlR O1.IVKR.] 

Sir Pet. {Sits.'\ Thank you, thank you, 
Sir Oliver. Yes, I have entered into — the 
happy state ; but we '11 not talk of that 
now. 

Sir Oliv. \_Sits.'\ True, true, Sir Peter : 
old friends should not begin on grievances 
at first meeting — no, no, no. 

Row. [iv.] Take care, pray, sir. \_Apart. 

Sir Oliv. Well, so one of my nephews is a 
wild rogue, I find, hey ? 



^be Scbool for ScanDal 47 

Sir Pet. Wild ! Ah ! my old friend, I 
grieve for your disappointment there ; he 's 
a lost young man, indeed. However, his 
brother will make you amends. Joseph is, 
indeed, what a youth should be. Everybody 
in the world speaks well of him. 

[Servant takes zvine away. 

Sir Oliv. I am sorry to hear it ; he has 
too good a character to be an honest fellow. 
Everybody speaks well of him ! — Pshaw ! 
then he has bowed as low to knaves and 
fools as to the honest dignity of genius and 
virtue. 

Sir Pet. What, Sir Oliver ! do you blame 
him for not making enemies ? 

Sir Oliv. Yes, if he has merit enough to 
deserve them. But, however, don't mistake 
me, Sir Peter ; I don't mean to defend 
Charles' errors ; but before I form my judg- 
ment of either of them, I intend to make a 
trial of their hearts ; and my friend Rowley 
and I have planned something for the 
purpose. 

Row. And Sir Peter shall own for once 
he has been mistaken. 



48 XLbc Scbool for Scan^al 

Sir Pet. Oh ! ray life on Joseph's honor. 

Sir Oliv. And my life on the other. 

Sir Pet. Well, well, but this plan of yours, 
Mr. Rowley. 

Roiv. [i..] Why, sir, it is this : There is 
a certain Mr. Stanley, who is nearly related 
to them by their mother. He was once a 
merchant in Dublin, but has been ruined by 
a series of undeserved misfortunes. He has 
applied, by letter, since his confinement, 
both to Mr. Surface and Charles ; from the 
former he has received nothing but evasive 
promises of future servdce, while Charles has 
done all that his extravagauce has left him 
power to do ; and he is, at this time, en- 
deavoring to raise a sum of money, part 
of which, in the midst of his own distresses, 
I know he intends for the service of poor 
Stanley. 

Sir Oliv. \_Rises, going r.] Ah ! he is my 
brother's son. 

Sir Pet. Well, but how is Sir Oliver per- 
sonally to 

Row. Why, sir, I will inform Charles and 
his brother that Stanley has obtained per- 
mission to apply personally to his friends, 



^be Scbool tor ScanDal 49 

and as they have neither of them ever seen 
him, let Sir Oliver assume his character, and 
he will have a fair opportunity of judging, at 
least, of the benevolence of their disposi- 
tions ; and believe me, sir, you will find in 
the youngest brother one who, in the midst 
of folly and dissipation, has still, as our im- 
mortal bard expresses it, "a heart to pity, 
and a hand open as day for melting charity." 

[Goes iv. 

Servant enters and luhispers Rowi,e:y. 

Sir Pet. [c, rising. 'I Pshaw ! What 
signifies his having an open hand or purse 
either, when he has nothing left to give? 
Well, well — make the trial if you please. 

Sir Oliv. \_Crosses i^. c] But where is the 
fellow whom you brought for me to examine, 
relative to Charles' affairs ? 

Row. Below, waiting 3^our commands, and 
no one can give you better intelligence. This, 
Sir Oliver, is a friendly Jew, who, to do him 
justice, has done every thing in his power to 
bring your nephew to a proper sense of his 
extravagance. 

Sir Pet. Pray, let us have him in. 



50 ^be Scbool for ScanOal 

Row. Desire Mr. Moses to walk up-stairs. 
\_Exit Servant. 

Sir Pet. But pray, why should you suppose 
he will tell the truth ? 

Row. Oh! {Crosses Q..'\ I have convinced 
him that he has no chance of recovering cer- 
tain sums advanced to Charles, but through 
the bounty of Sir Oliver, who he knows is 
arrived ; so that you may depend on his 
fidelity to his own interests ; I have also 
another evidence in my power : one Snake, 
whom I have detected in a matter little short 
of forgery, and shall shortly produce to re- 
move some of your prejudices, Sir Peter, 
relative to Charles and I^ady Teazle. 

Sir Pet. I have heard too much on that 
subject. \_Goes up c. 

Row. Here comes the honest Israelite. 

{Going I,. 

Enter MoSES, L. 

—This is Sir Oliver. 

SirOliv. [c] Sir, I understand you have 
lately had great dealings with my nephew, 
Charles. 



^be Scbool tou ScanDal 51 

3Ios. \_Crosses to Sir OIvIVER.] Yes, Sir 
Oliver, I have done all I could for him ; but 
he was ruined before he came to me for 
assistance. 

Sir Oliv. That was unlucky, truly ; for 
you had no opportunity of showing your 
talents. 

Mos, None at all ; I had n't the pleasure 
of knowing his distresses till he was some 
thousands worse than nothing. 

Sir Oliv. Unfortunate, indeed ! But I 
suppose you have done all in your power for 
him, honest Moses? 

Mos. Yes, he knows that ; — this very 
evening I was to have brought him a gentle- 
man from the city, who does not know him, 
and will, I believe, advance him some 
money. 

Sir Pet. [r.] What, one Charles never 
had money from before ? 

Mos. Yes — Mr. Premium, of Crutched 
Friars, formerly a broker. 

Sir Pet. ^^Rises.l Bgad, Sir Oliver, a 
thought strikes me ! — {^Crosses c] Charles, 
you say, does not know Mr. Premium ? 

Mos. Not at all. 



52 ^be Scbool tor ScanDal 



Sir Pet. [c. ] Now, then, Sir Oliver, you 
may have a better opportunity of satisfying 
yourself than by any old romancing tale of 
a poor relation : go with my friend Moses, 
and represent Premium, and then, I '11 an- 
swer for it, you '11 see your nephew in all his 
glory. 

Sir Oliv. [r. c] Egad, I like this idea 
better than the other, and I may visit Joseph 
afterward, as old Stanley. 

Sir Pet. True, so you may. 

Row. Well, this is taking Charles rather 
at a disadvantage, to be sure ; however, 
Moses, you understand Sir Peter, and will 
be faithful ? 

Mos. You may depend upon me. \^Looks 
at his watch.'] This is near the time I was 
to have gone. \_Going up. 

Sir Oliv. {^FollGwing him.] I '11 accom- 
pany you as soon as you please, Moses. 
But hold ! I have forgot one thing — how 
the plague shall I be able to pass for a 
Jew ? 

Mos. There 's no need — the principal is 
Christian. 

Sir Oliv. Is he ? I 'm very sorry to hear 



Zbc Scbool for ScanDal 53 

it. But then, again, ain't I rather too smartly- 
dressed to look like a money-lender ? 

Sir Pet. Not at all ; 't would not be out 
of character, if you went in your own car- 
riage, would it, Moses ? 

Bios. \Crosses c] Not in the least. I 
keeps a trim little briskey myself. 

Sir Oliv. Well — but how must I talk ? — 
there 's certainly some cant of usury and 
mode of treating that I ought to know. 

Sir Pet. Oh, there s not much to learn. 
The great point, as I take it, is to be ex- 
orbitant enough in your demands — hey, 
Moses ? 

Mos. Yes, that 's a very great point. 

Sir Oliv. I '11 answer for 't I '11 not be 
wanting in that. I '11 ask him eight or ten 
per cent, on the loan at least. 

Mos. If you ask him no more than that 
you '11 be discovered immediately. 

Sir Oliv. Hey ! — what the plague ! — how 
much then? 

Mos. That depends upon the circum- 
stances. If he appears not very anxious 
for the supply, you should require only 
forty or fifty per cent. ; but if you find him 



54 ^be School for Scandal 

in great distress, and wants the monies very 
bad, you may ask double. 

Sir Pet. A good honest trade you 're 
learning, Sir Oliver. 

Sir Oliv. Truly, I think so — and not un- 
profitable. 

Mos. Then, you know, you have n't the 
monies yourself, but are forced to borrow 
them for him from a friend. 

Sir Oliv. Oh ! I borrow it of a friend, do I ? 

Mqs. Yes ; and your friend is an uncon- 
scionable dog: but you can't help that. 

Sir Oliv. My friend an unconscionable 
dog, is he ? 

Mos. Yes, and he himself has not the 
monies by him, but is forced to sell stock at 
a great loss. 

Sir Oliv. He is forced to sell stock at a 
great loss, is he ? Well, that 's very kind of 
him. 

Sir Pet. V faith, Sir Oliver — Mr. Premium, 
I mean — you '11 soon be master of the trade. 

Sir Oliv. Moses shall give me further in- 
structions as we go together. 

Sir Pet. You will not have much time, 
for your nephew lives hard by. 



Zbc Scbool for ScanDal 55 

Sir Oliv. Oh, never fear ; my tutor ap- 
pears so able, that though Charles lived in 
the next street, it must be my own fault if I 
am not a complete rogue before I turn the 
comer. 

Mos. It won't be my fault, Sir Oliver, if 
you 're not a complete rogue before you get 
down-stairs. 

[Exeufii Sir Oi^iver Surface and Moses. 

Sir Pet. So, now, I think Sir Oliver will 
be convinced : you are partial, Rowley, and 
would have prepared Charles for the other 
plot. 

Row. No, upon my word, Sir Peter. 

Sir Pet. Well, go bring me this Snake, 
and I '11 hear what he has to say, presently. 
I see Maria, and want to speak with her. 
\_Exit Row^i^EY, I..] I should be glad to be 
convinced my suspicions of I^ady Teazle and 
Charles were unjust. I have never yet opened 
my mind on this subject to my friend Joseph 
— I am determined I will do it — he will give 
me his opinion sincerely. 

Enter Maria, \,. 



56 ^be Scbool tor Scandal 

— So, child, has Mr. Surface returned with 
you? 

Mar. [iv.] No, sir ; he was engaged. 

Sir Pet. [r.] Well, Maria, do you not 
reflect, the more you converse with that 
amiable young man, what return his par- 
tiality for you deserves ? 

Mar. Indeed, Sir Peter, your frequent 
importunity on this subject distresses me 
extremely — you compel me to declare that 
I know no man who has ever paid me a 
particular attention whom I would not pre- 
fer to Mr. Surface. 

Sir Pet. So — here 's perverseness ! No, 
no, Maria, 't is Charles only whom you 
would prefer. 'T is evident his vices and 
follies have won your heart. 

Mar. This is unkind, sir. You know I 
have obeyed you in neither seeing nor cor- 
responding with him ; I have heard enough 
to convince me that he is unworthy of my 
regard. Yet I cannot think it culpable, if, 
while my understanding severely condemns 
his vices, my heart suggests some pity for 
his distresses. 

Sir Pet. Well, well, pity him as much as 



^be Scbool for ScanOal 57 



you please; but give your heart and hand 
to a worthy object. 

Ma7\ Never to his brother. \_Crosses r. 

Sir Pet. Go — perverse and obstinate ! 
but take care, madam ; you have never yet 
known what the authority of a guardian is ; 
don't compel me to inform you of it. 

Mar. I can only say you shall not have 
just reason. 'T is true, by my father's will, 
I am for a short period bound to regard you 
as his substitute ; but I must cease to think 
you so when you would compel me to be 
miserable. \_Exit Maria, r. 

Sir Pet. Was ever man so crossed as I 
am ? Every thing conspiring to fret me ! 
I had not been involved in matrimony a 
fortnight before her father, a hale and hearty 
man, died, on purpose, I believe, for the 
pleasure of plaguing me with the care of his 
daughter. [Lady Tkazi^E si?igs without.'] 
[Song.] But here comes my helpmate! 
She appears in great good-humor. How 
happy I should be if I could tease her into 
loving me, though but a little ! 

Enter Lady Teazle, r. 



58 ^be Scbool for ScanDal 

Lady Teaz. Lud ! Sir Peter, I hope you 
have n't been quarrelling with Maria ? It is 
not using me well to be ill-humored when I 
am not by. 

Sir Pet. [i,.] Ah ! lyady Teazle, you 
might have the power to make me good- 
humored at all times. 

Lady Teaz. [r.] I am sure I wish I 
had ; for I want you to be in a charming 
sweet temper at this moment. Do be good- 
humored now and let me have two hundred 
pounds, will you ? 

Sir Pet. Two hundred pounds ! What, 
a'n't I to be in a good-humor without paying 
for it? But speak to me thus, and i' faith 
there 's nothing I could refuse you. You 
shall have it {Gives her notes'] ; but seal me 
a bond of repayment. 

Lady Teaz. Oh, no — there — my note of 
hand will do as well. {Offering her hand. 

Sir Pet. And you shall no longer re- 
proach me with not giving you an indepen- 
dent settlement. I mean shortly to surprise 
you ; but shall we always live thus, hey ? 

Lady Teaz. If you please. I 'm sure I 
don't care how soon we leave off quar- 



Zbc Scbool tor ScanOal 59 

relling, provided you '11 own you were tired 
first. 

Sir Pet. Well — then let our future con- 
test be, who shall be most obliging. 

Lady Teaz. I assure you, Sir Peter, good 
nature becomes you — you look now as you 
did before we were married, when you used 
to walk with me imder the elms, and tell me 
stories of what a gallant you were in your 
youth, and chuck me under the chin, you 
would ; and ask me if I thought I could love 
an old fellow, who would deny me nothing 
— did n't you ? Did n' t you ? 

Sir Pet. Yes, yes, and 3^ou were kind and 
attentive 

Lady Teaz. Ay, so I was, and would 
always take your part when my acquaintance 
used to abuse you and turn you into ridicule. 

Sir Pet. Indeed ! 

Lady Teaz. Ay, and when my cousin 
Sophy has called you a stiff, peevish old 
bachelor, and laughed at me for thinking of 
marrying one who might be my father, I 
have always defended you, and said, I did 
n't think you so ugly by any means. 

Sir Pet. Thank you. 



6o ^be Scbool for Scandal 

Lady Teaz. And I dared say you 'd make 
a very good sort of a husband. 

Sir Pet. And you prophesied right : and 
we shall now be the happiest couple 

Lady Teaz. And never, never differ 
again ? \_Both sit, c. 

Sir Pet. No, never, never ! — though at the 
same time, indeed, my dear Lady Teazle, 
you must watch your temper very seriously ; 
for in all our little quarrels, my dear, if you 
will recollect, my love, you always begin first. 

Lady Teaz. I beg your pardon, my dear 
Sir Peter ; indeed, you always gave the 
provocation. 

Sir Pet. Now see, my angel ! take care — 
contradicting is n't the way to keep friends. 

Lady Teaz. Then don't you begin it, my 
love ! 

Sir Pet. There, now ! you — you are go- 
ing on. You don't perceive, my life, that 
you are just doing the very thing which you 
know always makes me angry. 

Lady Teaz. Nay,' you know if you will 
be angry without any reason, my dear 

Sir Pet. There ! now you want to quarrel 
again. 



^be Scbool for ScanOal 6i 

Lady Teaz. No, I am sure I don't : — but 
if you will be so peevish 

Sir Pet. There now ! who begins first ? 

Lady Teaz. Whj', you, to be sure. {Both 
start 7ip.'] I said nothing — but there 's no 
bearing your temper. \_Crosses, i,. 

Sir Pet. No, no, madam ; the fault 's in 
3^our own temper. {Going r. 

Lady Teaz. Ay, you are just what my 
cousin Sophy said you would be. 

Sir Pet. Your cousin Sophy is a forward, 
impertinent gipsy. 

Lady Teaz. You are a great bear, I am 
sure, to abuse my relations. 

Sir Pet. Now may all the plagues of mar- 
riage be doubled on me, if ever I try to be 
friends wnth you any more. 

Lady Teaz. So much the better. 

Sir Pet. No, no, madam : 't is evident 
you never cared a pin for me, and I was a 
madman to marry you — a pert, rural co- 
quette, that had refused half the honest 
squires in the neighborhood. 

Lady Teaz. And I am sure I was a fool 
to marry you — an old dangling bachelor, who 
was single at fifty, only because he never 



62 XLbc Scbool for Scandal 

could meet with any one who would have 
him. [Crosses, x,. 

Sir Pet. Ay, ay, madam ; but you were 
pleased enough to listen to me ; you never 
had such an offer before. 

Lady Teaz. No? Did n't I refuse Sir 
Tivy Terrier, who everybody said would have 
been a better match ? for his estate is just as 
good as yours, and — he has broke his neck 
since we have been married. \_Goes, \,. 

Sir Pet. [r.] I have done with you, 
madam ! You are an unfeeling, ungrateful — 
but there is an end of every thing. I believe 
you capable of every thing that is bad. Yes, 
madam, I now believe the reports relative to 
you and Charles, madam. Yes, madam, you 
and Charles are — not without grounds 

Lady Teaz. [i..] Take care, Sir Peter ! 
you had better not insinuate any such thing, 
I '11 not be suspected without cause, I prom- 
ise you. {Goes r. 

Sir Pet. Very well, madam ! very well ! 
A separate maintenance as soon as you 
please ! 

Lady Teaz. Very well ! A separate main- 
tenance ! 



^be Scbool tor ScanOal 63 

Sir Pet. Yes, madam, or a divorce ! 

Lady Teaz. As you please ! A divorce ! 

Sir Pet. Very well, madam, a divorce ! — 
I '11 make an example of myself for the bene- 
fit of all old bachelors. 

Lady Teaz. Agreed ! agreed ! — And now, 
my dear Sir Peter, we are of a mind once 
more, we may be the happiest couple — and 
never, never — never differ again, you know 
— ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Sir Pet. Plagues and tortures ! Can't I 
make her angry either ? She may break my 
heart, but she sha'n't keep her temper. 

l^Exit^ i<. 

END OF ACT H. 



^ 



A 



ACT III. 



Sce:ne. — The Picture Gallery at Chari^eS 

Surface's. Curtains in Arch at back 

concealing Dinifig-rootn. 

Enter Trip, Sir Owver Surface;, and 

MOSFS, R. 

Trip. Here, Master Moses ! if you '11 stay 
a moment, I '11 try whether — what 's the 
gentleman's name ? 

Sir Oliv. Mr. Moses, what is my name ? 

Mos. Mr. Premium. {^Crosses c. 

Trip. Premium — very well. 
l^Exit Trip, taking snuff, behind curtaitt, c. 

Sir Oliv. [i..] To judge by the servants, 
one would n't believe the master was ruined. 
But what ! — sure, this was my brother's 
house ? 

Mos. [r.] Yes, sir ; Mr. Charles bought 
64 



Zbc Scbool tor ScanDal 65 



it of Mr. Joseph, with the furniture, pictures, 
etc., just as the old gentleman left it. Sir 
Peter thought it a piece of extravagance in 
him. [Goes r. 

Sir Oliv. In my mind, the other's econ- 
omy in selling it to him was more reprehen- 
sible by half. 

Re-enter 't'sj.v, c. 

Trip. My master says you must wait, 
gentlemen : he has company, and can't 
speak with you yet. 

Sir Oliv. If he knew who it was wanted 
to see him, perhaps he would not send such 
a message. 

Trip. Yes, yes, sir : he knows you are 
here — I did not forget little Premium, no, 
no, no. 

Sir Oliv. Very well ; and I pray, sir, 
what may be your name ? 

Trip. Trip, sir ; my name is Trip, at your 
service. 

Sir Oliv. Well, then, Mr. Trip, you have 
a pleasant sort of place here, I guess ? 

Trip. Why, yes — here are three or four 
of us who pass our time agreeably enough ; 



66 ^be Scbool tor Scandal 

but then our wages are sometimes a little in 
arrear — and not very great either — but fifty 
pounds a year, and find our own bags and 
bouquets. 

Sir Oliv. Bags and bouquets ! halters and 
bastinadoes ! \Aside. 

Trip. And, a propos, Moses — have you 
been able to get me that little bill dis- 
counted ? 

Sir Oliv. Wants to raise money too ! 
mercy on me ! Has his distresses too, I 
warrant, like a lord, and affects creditors 
and duns. [^Sits, and aside. 

Mos. [r.] 'T was not to be done, indeed, 
Mr. Tripe. \Gives Trip the note. 

Trip, [c] Good lack, you surprise me ! 
My friend Brush has endorsed it, and I 
thought when he put his name at the back 
of a bill 't was the same as cash. 

Mos. No ! 't would n't do. 

Trip. A small sum — but twenty pounds. 
Hark 'ee, Moses, do you think you could n't 
get it by way of annuity ? 

Sir Oliv. [i..] An annuity ! ha ! ha ! a 
footman raise money by way of annuity ! 
Well done, luxury, egad ! [Aside. 



TLbc Scbool tor ScanOal 67 

Mos. Well, but you must insure your 
place. 

Trip. Oh, with all my heart ! I '11 insure 
my place, and my life too, if you please. 

Sir Oliv. It 's more than I would your 
neck. [Aside. 

Mos. But is there nothing you could de- 
posit ? 

Trip. Why, nothing capital of my mas- 
ter's wardrobe has dropped lately ; \^Bell 
rings, c] but I could give you a mortgage 
on some of his winter clothes, with equity 
of redemption before November — or you 
shall have the reversion of the French velvet, 
or a post-obit on the blue and silver : \^Bell 
rings, c] these, I should think, Moses, with 
a few pair of point ruffles, as a collateral 
security — [Bell rings, c] Egad, {Crosses 
c] I heard the bell, I believe ! Gentlemen, 
I can introduce you presently ; step this way 
for a moment! Don't forget the annuity, 
little Moses ! This way, gentlemen. I '11 in- 
sure my place, you know. {Opens door, l. 

Sir Oliv. If the man be a shadow of the 
master, this is the temple of dissipation in- 
deed ! \^Exetmt, t,. 



68 Ebe Scbool for ScanDal 

[Trip returns and di^aws the curtains at 

back. Chari^es Surface, Carei^ESS, 

slightly tipsy, Sir Harry, etc., come 

foj^zuard as if froin table, the end of 

which is seen off r. Servants bring 

wine and serve it. Trip exit, i..] 

Chas. Surf. 'Fore heaven, 't is true ! — 

there 's the great degeneracy of the age. 

Many of our acquaintance have taste, spirit, 

and politeness ; but, plague on 't, they won't 

drink wine. 

Care. It is so indeed, Charles ! They 
give in to all the substantial luxuries of the 
table, and abstain from nothing but wine 
and wit. 

Sir Har. {Seated on lounge, r.] But 
what are they to do who love play better 
than wine ? 

Chas. Surf. For my part, egad! I am 
never so successful as when I am a little 
merry : let me throw on a bottle of cham- 
pagne, and I never lose. 
All. Hey, what ? 

Chas. Surf. At least, I never feel my 
losses, which is exactly the same thing. 
Care. Ay, that I believe. 



Zbc Scbool for ScanOal 69 



Chas. Surf. And then, what man can 
pretend to be a believer in love who is an 
^ abjurer of wine ? 'T is the test by which 
^ the lover knows hip own heart. Fill a dozen 
bumpers to a dozen beauties, and she that 
floats at the top is the maid that has be- 
witched you. 

Care. Now, then, Charles, be honest, and 
give us your real favorite. 

Chas. Surf. Why, I have withheld her 
only in compassion to you. If I toast her, 
you must give a round of her peers, which is 
impossible — on earth. 

Care. Oh ! then we '11 find some canon- 
ized vestals or heathen goddesses that will 
do, I warrant. 

Chas. Surf. Here then, bumpers, you 
rogues ! bumpers ! Maria ! Maria ! 

Sir Har. Maria who ? 

Chas. Smf. Oh, damn the surname — 
't is too formal to be registered in love's 
calendar. Maria ! 

Care. Down goes Maria ! 

All. Maria ! [ They drink. 

Chas. Surf. But now, Sir Harry, beware, 
we must have beauty superlative. 



70 Zhc School for ScanDal 

Care. Nay, never study, Sir Harry : we '11 
stand to the toast, though your mistress 
should want an eye, and you know you have 
a song will excuse you. 

Sir Har. Bgad, so I have ! and I '11 give 
him the song instead of the lady. 

SONG. 

Here 's to the maiden of bashful fifteen ; 

Here 's to the widow of fifty ; 
Here 's to the flaunting extravagant quean, 
And here 's to the housewife that 's thrifty. 
Chorus. lyet the toast pass — 

Drink to the lass, 
I '11 warrant she '11 prove an excuse for the glass. 

Here 's to the charmer whose dimples we prize ! 

Now to the maid who has none, sir : 
Here 's to the girl with a pair of blue eyes. 

And here 's to the nymph with but one, sir. 
Chorus. lyCt the toast pass, etc. 

For let 'em be clumsy, or let 'em be slim, 
Young or ancient, I care not a feather ; 

So fill up your glasses, nay, fill to the brim, 
And let us e'en toast them together. 
Chorus. lyCt the toast pass, etc. 

All. Bravo ! bravo ! 



^be Scbool tor ScanOal 71 

EftterT-Rip, 1,., and whispers Chari^es 
Surface. 

Chas. Surf. \_Rises.'] Gentlemen, you 
must excuse me a little. 

Care. Nay, prithee, Charles, what now ? 
This is one of your peerless beauties, I 
suppose, has dropt in by chance ? 

Chas. Surf. No, faith ! To tell the truth, 
't is a Jew and a broker, who are come by 
appointment. 

Care. Oh, hang it ! let 's have the Jew 
in. 

Sir Har. Ay, and the broker too, by all 
means. 

Care. Yes, yes, the Brew and the Joker. 

Chas. Surf Bgad, with all my heart ! 
Trip, bid the gentlemen walk in — \^Exit 
Trip, r.] — though there 's one of them a 
stranger, I can assure you. 

Care. Charles, let us give them some 
generous Burgundy, and perhaps they '11 
grow conscientious. 

Chas. Surf Oh, hang 'em, no ! wine does 
but draw forth a man's natural qualities ; 
and to make them drink v. ould only be to 
whet their knavery. 



72 ^be Scbool for ScanDal 

Enter Trip, Moses, a^id Sir Oi^iver Sur- 
face, R. They cross to i^. 

Chas. Surf. So, honest Moses, walk in ; 
walk in, pray, Mr. Premium — that 's the 
gentleman's name ; is n't it, Moses ? 

Mos. Yes, sir. 

Chas. Surf. Set chairs. Trip — sit down, 
Mr. Premium — glasses. Trip — sit down, 
Moses. \_They sit r. c] Come, Mr. 
Premium, I '11 give you a sentiment ; here 's 
Success to usury! Fill the gentleman a 
bumper. 

Mos. Success to usury ! 

Care. Right, Moses — usury is prudence 
and industry, and deserves to succeed. 

Sir Oliv. Then — here '5 all the success it 
deserves ! 

Care. {^Rising and coming forward."] 
No, no, that won't do ! Mr. Premium ; you 
have demurred at the toast, and must drink 
it in a pint bumper. 

Sir Har. {^Rising and advancing.] A 
pint bumper, at least. 

Mos. Oh, pray, sir — consider — Mr. Pre- 
mium 's a gentleman. 



Zbc Scbool for Scandal 73 

Care. And therefore loves good wine. 

Sir Har. Give Moses a quart glass — this 
is mutiny and a high contempt for the 
chair. 

Chas. Surf. No, hang it, you sha'n't ! 
Mr. Premium 's a stranger. 

Care. Plague on 'em, then, if they won't 
drink ! Come, Harry, \_Taking his arm and 
going zip c] the dice are in the next room. 
Charles, you '11 join us when you have 
finished your business with the gentlemen ? 

Chas. Surf. I will ! I will ! \_Exeunt all 
the gentlemen through arch, c, singing. '\ 
Careless ! 

Care. {^Returning.'] Well ! 

Chas. Surf. Perhaps I may want you. 

Cai'e. Oh, you know I am alwa3's ready : 
word or bond, 't is all the same to me. 

\_Exit. 

Mos. Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a gentle- 
man of the strictest honor and secrecy ; 
and always performs what he undertakes. 
Mr. Premium, this is 

Chas. Surf \_Patting MosES across to i..] 
Pshav/ ! have done. — Sir, my friend Moses is 
a very honest fellow, but a little slow at. 



74 ^be Scbool for Scandal 

expression : he '11 be an hour giving us our 
titles. Mr. Premium, the plain state of the 
matter is this : I am an extravagant young 
fellow, who wants money to borrow — you I 
take to be a prudent old fellow, who has got 
money to lend. I am blockhead enough to 
give fifty per cent, sooner than not have it ; 
and you, I presume, are rogue enough to 
take a hundred if you can get it. Now, sir, 
you can see we are acquainted at once, and 
may proceed to business without further 
ceremony. 

Sir Oliv. Exceeding frank, upon my 
word. I see, sir, you are not a man of many 
compliments. 

Chas. Surf. Oh, no, sir ; plain dealing in 
business I always think best. 

Sir Oliv. Sir, I like you the better for it. 
However, you are mistaken in one thing ; I 
have no money to lend, but I believe I could 
procure some of a friend ; but then he 's an 
unconscionable dog ; \Crosses c] is n't he, 
Moses ? And must sell stock to accommo- 
date you — must n't he, Moses ? 

Mos. Yes, indeed ! You know I always 
speak the truth, and scorn to tell a lie ! 



Zbc Scbool tor Scandal 75 

Chas. Surf. Right. People that speak 
truth generally do ; but these are trifles, 
Mr. Premium. What ! I know money 
is n't to be bought without paying for 't ! 

Sir Oliv. Well, but what security could 
you give ? You have no land, I suppose ? 

Chas. Surf. Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, 
but what 's in the bough-pots out of the 
window ! 

Sir Oliv. Nor any stock, I presume ? 

Chas. Surf. Nothing but live stock — and 
that's only a few pointers and ponies. But 
pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted with 
any of my connections ? 

Sir Oliv. Why, to say truth, I am. 

Chas. Surf Then you must know that I 
have a dev'lish rich uncle in the East Indies, 
Sir Oliver Surface, from whom I have the 
greatest expectations. 

Sir Oliv. That 3'ou have a rich uncle I 
have heard ; but how your expectations will 
turn out, is more, I believe, than you can 
tell. 

Chas. Surf Oh, no, there can be no doubt. 
They tell me I 'm a prodigious favorite, and 
that he talks of leaving me every thing. 



76 ^be Scbool for ScanOal 



Sir Oliv. Indeed ! This is the first I 've 
heard of it. 

Chas. Surf. Yes, yes, 'tis just so — {^Cross- 
es c] Moses knows 't is true ; don't you, 
Moses. 

Sir Oliv. [r.] Egad, they '11 persuade me 
presently I 'm at Bengal. \Aside. 

Chas. Surf. Now I propose, Mr. Premi- 
um, if it is agreeable to you, a post-obit on 
Sir Oliver's life : though at the same time, 
the old fellow has been so liberal to me that 
I give you my word that I should be sorry 
to hear any thing had happened to him. 

Sir Oliv. Not more than I should, I 
assure you. But the bond you mention 
happens to be just the worst security you 
could offer me— for I might live to a hundred 
and never see the principal. 

Chas. Surf Oh, yes, you would — the mo- 
ment Sir Oliver dies, you know, you would 
come on me for the money. 

Sir Oliv. Then I believe I should be the 
most unwelcome dun you ever had in your 
life. 

Chas. Surf. What ! I suppose you 're 
afraid that Sir Oliver is too good a life ! 



XLbc Scbool tor ScanDal 77 

Sir Oliv. No, indeed, I am not ; though 
I have heard he is as hale and healthy as 
any man of his years in Christendom. 

Chas Surf. There again, now, you are 
misinformed. No, no, the climate has hurt 
him considerably, poor uncle Oliver! Yes, 
yes, he breaks apace, I 'm told — and is so 
much altered lately, that his nearest relation 
would not know him ! 

Sir Oliv. No ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! so much 
altered lately that his nearest relations would 
not know him ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! egad — Ha I 
ha ! ha ! 

Chas. Surf. Ha ! ha ! — you 're glad to 
hear that, little Premium. 

Sir Oliv. No, no, I 'm not. 

Chas Surf. Yes, yes, you are — ha ! ha ! 
ha ! — You know that mends your chance. 

Sir Oliv. But I am told Sir Oliver is coming 
over — nay, some say he has actually arrived. 

Chas. Surf Pshaw ! Sure I must know 
better than you whether he 's come or not. 
No, no ; rely on 't, he 's at this moment at 
Calcutta — is n't he, Moses ? 

Mos. Oh, yes, certainly. I '11 take my 
oath of it. 



78 Zbc Scbool for ScanOal 



Sir Oliv. Very true, as you say, you must 
know better than T, though I have it from 
pretty good authority — have n't I, Moses ? 

Mos. [iv.] Yes, most undoubted ! I'll 
take my oath of it. 

Sir Oliv. [r.] But, sir, as I understand, 
you want a few hundreds immediately — is 
there nothing you could dispose of? 

Chas. Surf, [c] How do you mean ? 

Sir Oliv. For instance, now, I have heard 
that your father left behind him a great 
quantity of massy old plate. 

Chas. Surf. O lyud ! that 's gone long 
ago. Moses can tell you better than I can. 

Mos. Yes, I popped them in the crucible 
mj^self. 

Sir Oliv. Good lack ! all the family race- 
cups and corporation bowls. \_Aside.'] Then 
it was also supposed that his library was 
one of the most valuable and complete. 

Chas. Surf Yes, yes, so it was — vastly 
too much so for a private gentleman. For 
my part, I was always of a communicative 
disposition, so I thought it a shame to keep 
so much knowledge to myself. 

Sir Oliv. Mercy upon me ! Learning that 



Zbc Scbool for ScanDal 79 

had run in the family like an heir-loom ! 
lAside.'] Pray, what are become of the 
books ? 

Chas. Surf. You must inquire of the auc- 
tioneer, Master Premium, for I don't believe 
even Moses can direct you. 

Mos. I know nothing of books, except 
the books of interest. 

Sir Oliv. So, so, nothing of the family 
property left, I suppose? 

Chas. Surf. Not much, indeed ; unless you 
have a mind to the family pictures. I have 
got a room full of ancestors here, and if you 
have a taste for old paintings, egad, you shall 
have 'em a bargain. 

Sir Oliv. Hey ! what the devil ! Sure, 
3'ou would n't sell your forefathers, would 
you? 

Chas. Surf Every man of them, to the 
best bidder. 

Sir Oliv. What ! your great-uncles and 
aunts ? 

Chas. Surf. Ay, and my great-grandfathers 
and grandmothers too. 

Sir Oliv. Now I give him up. \_Aside.'\ 
What the plague, have you no bowels for 



8o ^be Scbool tor ScanDal 

your own kindred ? Odd 's life, do you take 
me for Shylock in the play, that you would 
raise money of me on your own flesh and 
blood ? 

Chas. Surf. Nay, my little broker, don't 
be angry ; what need you care if you have 
your money's worth ? 

Sir Oliv. Well, I '11 be the purchaser : I 
think I can dispose of the family canvas. 
Oh, I '11 never forgive him this ! never ! 

{Crosses i,. Aside. 

Enter QAnni^Hss/rom c. 

Care. Come, Charles, what keeps you ? 

Ckas. Surf. I can't come yet : i' faith, we 
are going to have a sale here : — Little Pre- 
mium will buy all m}^ ancestors. 

Care. Oh, burn your ancestors ! 

Chas. Surf. No, he may do that afterward, 
if he pleases. Stay, Careless, we want you : 
egad, you shall be auctioneer. 

Care. Oh, have with you, if that 's the 
case. I can handle a hammer as well as a 
dice-box. Going ! going ! \_Going r. 

Sir Oliv. Oh, the profligates ! 

\Aside. 



Zbc Scbool for Scandal 8i 

Ckas Surf. Come, Moses, you shall be 
appraiser, if we want one. Gad's life, little 
Premium, you don't seem to like the busi- 
ness ! \_Crosses i,. c. 

Sir Oliv. Oh, yes, I do vastly. Ha ! ha ! 
ha ! yes, yes, I think it a rare joke to sell 
one's family by auction — ha ! ha ! Oh, the 
prodigal ! [Aside. 

Chas. Surf. To be sure ! when a man wants 
money, where the plague should he get as- 
sistance if he can't make free with his own 
relations ? 

Sir Oliv. I '11 never forgive him : never ! 
never ! 

Chas. Suif. Ivook around you, gentlemen : 
look about you — here they are, the family of 
the Surfaces, up to the Conquest. 

Sir Oliv. Ah ! we shall never see such 
figures of men again. 

Chas. Surf. I hope not. — Well, you see, 
Master Premium, what a domestic character 
I am : here I sit of an evening surrounded 
by my family. — But, come, get to your pulpit, 
Mr. Auctioneer ; here 's an old gouty chair 
of my grandfather's will answer the purpose. 
[Brings chair forzuard, c. 



82 ^be Scbool for ScanDal 

Care. Ay, ay, this will do. — But, Charles, 
I have n't a hammer ; and what 's an auc- 
tioneer without his hammer ? 

Chas. Surf. Bgad, that 's true. \_Taking 
pedigree down from back.'] What parchment 
have we here ? Oh, our genealogy in full. 
Here, Careless — you shall have no common 
bit of mahogany ; here 's the family-tree for 
you, you rogue — this shall be your hammer, 
and now you may knock down my ancestors 
with their own pedigree. 

Sir Oliv. [ly.] What an unnatural rogue ! 
an ex post facto parricide ! {Aside. 

Care. Yes, yes, here 's a list of your gen- 
eration indeed ; faith, Charles, this is the 
most-convenient thing you could have found 
for the business, for 't will not only serve as 
a hammer, but a catalogue into the bargain. 
Come, begin — A-going, a-going, a-going ! 

Chas. Surf. Bravo, Careless ! Well, here 's 
my great-uncle, Sir Richard Raveline, a 
marvellous good general in his day, I assure 
you. He served in all the Duke of Marl- 
borough's wars, and got that cut over his eye 
at the battle of Malplaquet. What say you, 
Mr. Premium ? — look at him — there 's a 



Zbc Scbool foe Scandal 83 

hero, not cut out of his feathers, as your 
modern dipt captains are, but enveloped in 
wigs and regimentals, as a general should 
be. What do you bid ? 

Sir Oliv. [Aside to MoSES.] Bid him 
speak. 

Mos, Mr. Premium would have jFC// speak. 

Chas. Surf. Why, then, he shall have 
him for ten pounds, and I 'm sure that 's 
not dear for a staff-officer. 

Sir Oliv. Heaven deliver me ! his famous 
uncle Richard for ten pounds ! [Aside.\ 
Very well, sir, I take him at that. 

Chas. Surf. Careless, knock down my 
uncle Richard. Here, now, is a maiden 
sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done 
by Kneller in his best manner, and esteemed 
a very formidable likeness. There she is, 
you see, a shepherdess feeding her flock. 
You shall have her for five pounds ten — the 
sheep are worth the money. 

Mos. They 're sheep at half the price. 

Sir Oliv. Ah ! poor Deborah ! a woman 
who set such a value on herself! [Aside. '\ 
Five pounds ten — she 's mine. 

Chas. Surf. Knock down my aunt De- 



8a ^be Scbool tor Scandal 

borah, Careless ! This now, is a grandfather 
of my mother's, a learned judge, well known 
on the western circuit. What do you rate 
him at, Moses ? 

Mos. Four guineas. 

Chas. Surf. Four guineas ! Gad's life, 
you don't bid me the price of his wig. Mr. 
Premium, you have more respect for the 
wool-sack ; do let us knock his lordship 
down at fifteen. 

►SVr Oliv. By all means. 

Care. Gone ! 

Chas. Surf. And there are two brothers 
of his, William and Walter Blunt, Esquires, 
both members of parliament, and noted 
speakers ; and what 's very extraordinary, I 
believe, this is the first time they were ever 
bought or sold. 

Sir Oliv. That is very extraordinary in- 
deed ! I '11 take them at your own price, 
for the honor of parliament. \_Crosses. 

Care. Well said, little Premium ! I '11 
knock them down at forty. 

Chas. Surf. Here 's a jolly fellow — I 
don't know what relation, but he was mayor 
of Norwich ; take him at eight pounds. 



Zbc School tot Scandal 85 

Sir Oliv. No, no ; six will do for ttie 
mayor. 

Chas. Surf. Come, make it guineas, and 
I throw the two aldermen there into the 
bargain. 

Sir Oliv. They 're mine. 

Chas. Surf. Careless, knock down the 
mayor and aldermen. 

Mos. Six guineas for the mayor and 
aldermen — what 's to become of the corpora- 
tion ? 

Chas. Surf. But, plague on 't, we shall be 
all day retailing in this manner ; do let us 
deal wholesale ; what say you, little Pre- 
mium ? Give me three hundred pounds, 
and take all that remains on this side in a 
lump. 

Care. Ay, ay, that will be the best way. 

Chas. Surf. Careless, knock down this 
side of the room ! 

Care. Going, going, gone ! 

[Knocks MosKS. 

Mos. But, Mr. Charles, I ain't this side 
of the room ! 

Sir Oliv. Well, well, any thing to accom- 
modate you — they are mine. But there is 



86 ^be Scbool for ScanDal 

one portrait which you have always passed 
over. 

Care. \^Having put the chair away, comes 
forward, i,.] What, that ill-looking little 
fellow over the settee ? 

Sir Oliv. Yes, yes, I mean that, though I 
don't think him so ill-looking a little fellow 
by any means. 

Chas. Surf. What, that ? Oh ! that 's 
my uncle Oliver ; 't was done before he went 
to India. 

Car^. Your uncle Oliver? Gad, then 
you '11 never be friends, Charles. That, now, 
to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever 
I saw ; an unforgiving eye, and a confounded 
disinheriting countenance! an inveterate 
knave, depend on 't. Don't you think so, 
little Premium ? 

{^Crosses r. Slapping him on the shoulder. 

Sir Oliv. {Crosses c] Upon my soul, sir, 
I do not ; I think it as honest a looking face 
as any in the room, dead or alive ; but I sup- 
pose uncle Oliver goes with the rest of the 
lumber ? 

Chas. Surf. No, hang it ; I '11 never part 
with poor Noll. The old fellow has been 



^be Scbool tor ScanOal S; 

very good to me, and, egad, I '11 keep his 
picture while I 've a room to put it in. 

Sir Oliv. [c] The rogue 's my nephew 
after all! \_Aside.'\ But, sir, I have some- 
how taken a fancy to that picture. 

Chas. Surf, [i,.] I 'm sorry for 't, for you 
certainly will not have it. Oons, have n't 
you got enough of them ? 

Sir Oliv. I forgive him every thing ! 
\_Aside.'] But, sir, when I take a whim in 
my head I don't value money. I '11 give 
you as much for that as for all the rest. 

Chas. Surf. Don't tease me, Master 
Broker ; I tell you I '11 not part with it, and 
there 's an end of it. {^Crosses to r. 

Sir Oliv. How like his father the dog is ! 
\_Aside.'] Well, well, I have done. I did 
not perceive it before, but I think I never 
saw such a resemblance. \_Aside.'\ Here is 
a draft for your sum. \_Crosses R. c. Taking 
it out of his pocket-book.l 

Chas. Surf. Why, 't is for eight hundred 
pounds. 

Sir Oliv. You will not let Sir Oliver go ? 

Chas. Surf. Zounds ! no ! — I tell you 
once more. 



88 Zbc Scbool tor ScanDal 

Sir Oliv. Then never mind the difference, 
we '11 balance that another time — but give 
me your hand on the bargain ; you are an 
honest fellow, Charles — I beg your pardon, 
sir, for being so free. Come, Moses. 

[^Crosses r. 

Chas. Surf, [c] Bgad, this is a whimsical 
old fellow ! But hark 'ee, Premium, you '11 
prepare lodgings for these gentlemen ? 

Sir Oliv. [l.] Yes, yes, I '11 send for them 
in a day or two. 

Chas. Surf. But hold ; do now send a 
genteel conveyance for them, for I assure 
you they were most of them used to ride in 
their own carriages. {^Crosses J,. 

Sir Oliv. I will, I will — for all but Oliver. 

Chas. Surf. Ay, all but the little nabob. 

Sir Oliv. You 're fixed on that ? 

Chas. Surf Peremptorily. \_Crosses i.. 

Sir Oliv. A dear, extravagant rogue ! 

{Aside. "] Good-day ! Come, Moses. Let 

me hear now who dares call him profligate ! 

{Exeunt Sir Owver Surface and 

Moses, r. 

Care. Why, this is the oddest genius of 
the sort I ever met with. 



Zbc Scbool tor Scandal 



Chas. Surf. Egad, he 's the prince of 
brokers, I think. I wonder how the devil 
Moses got acquainted with so honest a 
fellow. But, Careless, say I '11 join the 
company in a few moments. 

Care, [r.] I will — don't let any one per- 
suade you to squander any of that money on 
old musty debts, or any such nonsense ; for 
tradesmen, Charles, are the most exorbitant 
fellows. 

Ckas. Surf, [i..] Very true, and paying 
them is only encouraging them. Ay, ay, 
never fear. \_Exit CarkIvESS, r. u. E.] 
I^et me see— two thirds of this, five hundred 
and thirty odd pounds, are mine by right. 

Enter Rowi^ey, 
Ha ! Rowley ! egad, you are just come in 
time to take leave of your old acquaintances. 

Row. [iv.] Yes, I heard the family por- 
traits were a-going. There 's no making you 
serious a moment. 

Chas. Surf. Yes, faith, I am so now. 
Here, my honest Rowley, here, get me this 
changed directly, and take a hundred pounds 
of it immediately to old Stanley. 



90 Zbc Scbool tot' ScanDal 

J^ozf. A hundred pounds ! Consider 
only 

Ckas. Surf. Gad's life, don't talk about 
it ; poor Stanley's wants are pressing, and 
if you don't make haste we shall have some 
one call that has a better right to the 
money. 

Row. Ah, there 's the point ! I will 
never cease dunning you with the old 
proverb 

Chas. Surf. "Be just before you are 
generous." Why, so I would if I could; 
but Justice is an old hobbling beldame, and 
I can't get her to keep pace with Generosity, 
for the soul of me. 

Row. Yet, one hour's reflection 

Chas. Surf. Hark 'ee, Rowley, while I 
have, by heaven I '11 give ; so hang your 
economy, and away to old Stanley with the 
money. \_Exit RowIvEY.] 'Fore heaven ! 
I find one's ancestors are more valuable 
relations than I took them for ! Ladies and 
gentlemen, your most obedient and very 
grateful servant. 

END OF ACT UI. 



ACT IV. 



Scene. — ^Joseph Surface's library. 
VANT discovered at fire. 



Ser- 



Enter Joseph Surface. Goes to table ; 
looks over some letter's. 

Jos. Surf. No letter from Lady Teazle ? 

Serv. No, sir. 

Jos. Surf. I am surprised she has not 
sent, if she is prevented from coming. 

{^Knocking. 

Serv. Sir, I believe that must be Lady 
Teazle. 

Jos. Surf. Hold. See whether 't is or 
not. I have a particular message for you 
if 'tis my brother, \_Exit Servant.] Sir 
Peter certainly does not suspect me. Yet I 
hope I may not lose the heiress through the 
scrape I 've drawn myself into with the wife. 

91 



92 ^be Scbool for Scandal 

However, Charles* imprudence and bad char- 
acter are great points in my favor. 

Enter Skrvant, i^. 

Serv. Mr. Stanley, sir. 

Jos. Surf. Don't admit him. 

Serv. Sir, I should not have let him in, 
but that Mr. Rowley came to the door with 
him. 

Jos. Surf. Pshaw ! blockhead ! to sup- 
pose that I should now be in a temper to 
receive visits from poor relations ! Well, 
why don't you show the fellow up? \_Exit 
Servant, i..] Sure Fortune never played a 
man of my policy such a trick before. My 
character with Sir Peter, my hopes with 
Maria destroyed in a moment ! I 'm in 
rare humor to listen to other people's dis- 
tresses! I sha'n't be able to bestow even 
a benevolent sentiment on old Stanley. I 
must try to put a little charity into my face, 
however. 

Enter Sir Oi<iver, ly. 

Sir Oliv. I don't like the complaisance 
of his features. \_Aside, 



^be Scbool tor Scandal 93 

Jos. Suj'f. Sir, I beg you ten thousand 
pardons for keeping you a moment waiting 
— Mr. Stanley, I presume. 

Sir Oliv. [i<.] At your service. 

Jos. Sui'f. Sir, I beg you will do me the 
honor to sit down — I entreat you, sir ! 

Sir Oliv. Dear sir — there 's no occasion. 
— Too civil by half ! \_Aside. Sittings \,. 

Jos. Surf. I have not the pleasure of 
knowing you, Mr. Stanley ; but I am ex- 
tremely happy to see you look so well. You 
were nearly related to my mother, Mr. Stan- 
ley, I think ? 

Sir Oliv. I was, sir ; so nearly that my 
present poverty, I fear, may do discredit to 
her wealthy children, else I should not have 
presumed to trouble you. 

Jos. Surf. Dear sir, there needs no apol- 
ogy ; he that is in distress, though a stran- 
ger, has a right to claim kindred with the 
wealthy. I am sure I wish I was one of that 
class, and had it in my power to offer you 
even a small relief. 

Sir Oliv. If your uncle Sir Oliver were 
here, I should have a friend. 

Jos. Surf. My dear sir, Sir Oliver is a 



94 ^be Scbool tor ScanDal 

worthy man> a very worthy man ; but ava- 
rice, Mr. Stanley, is the vice of age. I will 
tell you, my good sir, in confidence, what he 
has done for me has been a mere nothing, 
though people, I know, have thought other- 
wise ; and for my part I never chose to con- 
tradict the report. 

Sir Oliv. What ! has he never transmitted 
you bullion — rupees — pagodas ? 

Jos. Surf. O dear sir, nothing of the 
kind. No, no — a few presents now and then 
— china, shawls, congou tea, avadavats, 
and Indian crackers — ^little more, believe 
me. 

Sir Oliv. [Aside.] Here 's gratitude for 
twelve thousand pounds ! Avadavats and 
Indian crackers. [Aland.'] Then, sir, you 
can't assist me ? [J^ises. 

Jos. Surf. At present it grieves me to say 
I cannot ; [J^ises.] but whenever I have the 
ability, you may depend upon hearing from 
me. 

Sir Oliv. I am extremely sorry 

Jos. Surf. Not more than I, believe me ; 
to pity without the power to relieve is still 
more painful than to ask and be denied. 



Zbc Scbool for Scandal 95 

Sir Oliv. Kind sir, your most obedient 
humble servant. 

Jos. Surf. You leave me deeply affected, 
Mr. Stanley. William, be ready to open the 
door. 

Enter Servant, i<. , standing by door. 

Sir Oliv. Oh, dear sir, no ceremony. 

Jos. Surf. Your very obedient. 

Sir Oliv. Sir, your most obsequious. 

Jos. Surf. You may depend upon hearing 
from me whenever I can be of service. 

Sir Oliv. Sweet sir, you are too good ! 

Jos. Surf. In the meantime I wish you 
health and spirits. 

Sir Oliv. Your ever grateful and perpetual 
humble servant. 

Jos. Surf Sir, yours as sincerel}'. 

Sir Oliv. Now I 'm satisfied. [Aside.] 
Charles, you are my heir. \_Exit x,. 

Jos. Surf This is one bad effect of a good 
character ; it invites application from the 
unfortunate, [Knocking. "] and there needs 
no small degree of address to gain the repu- 
tation of benevolence without incurring the 
expense. 



96 tTbe Scbool for Scandal 



Enter Servant, i,. 

Serv. 'T is her ladyship, sir ; she always 
leaves her chair at the milliner's in the next 
street. 

Jos. Su7'f. Stay, stay ; draw that screen 
before the window [Skrvant ^t?^^ so.'\ — that 
will do ; my opposite neighbor is a lady of a 
curious temper. [Se:rvant exit. ] I have a 
difl&cult hand to play in this afifair. Lady 
Teazle has lately suspected my views on 
Maria ; but she must by no means be let 
into the secret — at least, till I have her more 
in my power. 

[ JosE^PH sits at R., nearjire. 

Enter Lady Teazi^e, L. 

Lady Teaz. What, sentiment in soliloquy 
now ? Have you been very impatient ? 
[Joseph rises. ^ O Lud ! don't pretend to 
look grave. I vow I could n't come before. 

\_Crosses to fire. 
Jos. SurJ. [c] Oh, madam, punctuality 
is a species of constancy very unfashionable 
in a lady of quality. 

\_Places chairs, and sits after Lady 
Teazi^e is seated.'] 



ZTbe Scbool for ScanDal 97 



Lady Teaz. [r. ] Upon my word you ought 
to pity me. Do you know Sir Peter is grown 
so ill-natured to me of late, and so jealous 
of Charles, too — that 's the best of the story, 
is n't it ? 

Jos. Surf . [Aside.] I am glad my scandal- 
ous friends keep that up. 

Lady Teaz. I am sure I wish he would 
let Maria marry him, and then perhaps he 
would be convinced ; don't you, Mr. Sur- 
face? 

Jos. Surf. Indeed I do not. [Aside. 1 Oh, 
certainly, certainly, for then my dear Lady 
Teazle would be also convinced how wrong 
her suspicions were of my having any design 
on the silly girl. 

Lady Teaz. Well, well, I 'm inclined to 
believe you. But is n't it provoking, to 
have the most ill-natured things said of one ! 
— And there 's my friend, Lady Sneerwell, 
has circulated I don't know how many 
scandalous tales of me, and all without any 
foundation too — that 's what vexes me. 

Jos. Surf. Ay, madam, to be sure, that is 
the provoking circumstance — without foun- 
dation ; yes, yes, there 's the mortification, 



^be Scbool tor ScauDal 



indeed ; for when a scandalous tale is believed 
against one, there certainly is no comfort like 
the consciousness of having deserved it. 

Lady Teaz. No, to be sure, then I 'd for- 
give their malice ; but to attack me, who am 
really so innocent, and who never say an ill- 
natured thing of anybody — that is, of any 
friend ; and then Sir Peter, too, to have him 
so peevish, and so suspicious, when I know 
the integrity of my own heart — indeed, 't is 
monstrous ! 

Jos. Surf. But, my dear Lady Teazle, 'tis 
your own fault if you suffer it. When a hus- 
band entertains a groundless suspicion of his 
wife, and withdraws his confidence from her, 
the original compact is broken, and she owes 
it to the honor of her sex to endeavor to out- 
wit him. 

Lady Teaz. Indeed ! — so that if he suspects 
me without cause, it follows that the best 
way of curing his jealousy is to give him 
reason for 't , 

Jos. Surf. Undoubtedly ; for your husband 
should never be deceived in you — and in that 
case it becomes you to be frail in compliment 
to his discernment. 



Zbc Scbool for ScanDal 99 

Lady Teaz. To be sure, what you say is 
very reasonable ; and when the consciousness 
of my own innocence 

Jos. Surf. Ah ! my dear madam, there is 
the great mistake : 't is this very conscious 
innocence that is of the greatest prejudice to 
you. What is it makes you negligent of 
forms, and careless of the world's opinion ? — 
why, the consciousness of your own inno- 
cence. What makes you thoughtless in your 
conduct, and apt to run into a thousand little 
imprudences ? — why, the consciousness of 
your own innocence. What makes 3^ou im- 
patient of Sir Peter's temper, and outrageous 
at his suspicions ? — why, the consciousness 
of your innocence. 

Lady Teaz. 'T is very true ! 

Jos. Stirf. Now, my dear Lady Teazle, if 
you would but once make a \.-n.^\rs.^ faux pas, 
you can't conceive how cautious you would 
grow, and how ready to humor and agree 
with your husband. 

Lady Teaz. Do you think so ? 

Jos. Su7f. Oh ! I am sure on 't, and then 
you would find all scandal would cease at 
once ; for, in short, your character at present 



trbe Scbool tov ScanDal 



is like a person in a plethora, absolutely 
dying from too mucli health. 

Lady Teaz. Well, certainly, this is the 
oddest doctrine, and the newest receipt for 
avoiding calumny ! 

Jos. Surf. An infallible one, believe me. 
Prudence, like experience, must be paid 
for. 

Lady Teaz. Why, if my understanding 
were once convinced 

Jos. Surf. Oh, certainly, madam, your 
understanding should be convinced. Yes, 
yes — heaven forbid I should persuade you 
to do any thing you thought wrong. No, 
no, I have too much honor to desire it. 

Lady Teaz. Don't you think we may as 
well leave honor out of the argument ? 

\_Rises, crosses i,. 

Jos. Surf. Ah ! the ill- effects of your 
country education, I see, still remain with 
you. \_Rises. 

Lady Teaz. I doubt they do indeed ; and 
I will fairly own to you, that if I could be 
persuaded to do wrong, it would be by Sir 
Peter's ill-usage, sooner than your honorable 
logic, after all. 



^be School for ScanDal 



Jos. Surf. Then, by this hand, which he 
is unworthy of [ Takittg her hand. 

Enter Servant, x,. 

— 'Sdeath, you blockhead — what do you want? 

Serv. I beg your pardon, sir, but I thought 
you would not choose Sir Peter to come up 
without announcing him. 

Jos. Surf. Sir Peter ! Oons — the devil ! 

Lady Teaz. Sir Peter! O Lud— I 'm 
ruined — I 'm ruined ! 

Serv. Sir, 't was n't I let him in. 

Lady Teaz. Oh ! I 'm quite undone ! 
What will become of me ? Now, Mr. Logic 
—Oh ! mercy, sir, he 's on the stairs— I '11 
get behind here — and if ever I 'm so impru- 
dent again \_Goes behind screen. 

Jos. Surf Give me that book. 

\Sits down near fire. ^%^\ s.-^t pretends 
to adjust the table, i,.] 

Enter Sir Peter, i.. 

Sir Pet. Ay, ever improving himself. Mr. 
Surface, Mr. Surface ! 

[ Taps Joseph on the shoulder. 



I02 Zbc School tot Scan&al 

Jos. Surf. Oh, my dear Sir Peter, I beg 
3^our pardon. \_Gaping — throws away the 
book.'] I have been dozing over a stupid 
book. Well, I am much obliged to you for 
this call. You have n't been here, I believe, 
since I fitted up this room. {^Crosses i<,] 
Books, you know, are the only things I am 
a coxcomb in. 

Sir Pet. 'T is very neat indeed. Well, 
well, that 's proper ; and you can make even 
your screen a source of knowledge — hung, I 
perceive, with maps. 

[ Walking up toward screen. 

Jos. Surf. Oh, yes, I find great use in that 
screen. 

[ Turning Sir 'P-^t'E.'^/rom the screen, r. 

Sir Pet. I dare say you must, certainly, 
when you want to find any thing in a hurry. 

Jos. Surf. Ay, or to hide any thing in a 
hurry either. [Aside. 

Sir Pet. Well, I have a little private busi- 
ness 

Jos. Surf. You need not stay. \To the 

Servant, who exits, i<.] Sir Peter 1 

beg [Indicates the divan. They sit. 

Sir Pet. Well, now we are alone, there is 



Ube Scbool for Scandal 103 

a subject, my dear friend, on which I wish 
to unburden my mind to you — a point of the 
greatest moment to my peace ; in short, my 
good friend, Lady Teazle's conduct of late 
has made me very unhappy. 

Jos. Surf. {Seated, L. c. ] Indeed ! I am 
very sorry to hear it. 

Sir Pet [r. c] Yes, 't is but too plain 
she has not the least regard for me ; but, 
what 's worse, I have pretty good authority 
to suppose she has formed an attachment for 
another. 

Jos. Surf. Indeed ! you astonish me ! 

Sir Pet. Yes ; and, between ourselves, I 
think I 've discovered the person. 

Jos. Surf. How! you alarm me exceed- 
ingly. 

Sir Pet. Ay, my dear friend, I knew you 
■.70uld sympathize with me ! 

Jos. Surf. Yes — believe me, Sir Peter, such 
a discovery would hurt me just as much as it 
would you. 

Sir Pet. I am convinced of it. Ah ! it is 
a happiness to have a friend whom we can 
trust, even with one's family secrets. But 
have you no guess who I mean ? 



104 ^be Scbool for ScanOal 

Jos. Surf. I have n't the most distant idea. 
It can't be Sir Benjamin Backbite ? 

Sir Pet. Oh, no ! What say you to 
Charles ? 

Jos. Surf. My brother ! impossible ! 

Sir Pet. Oh ! my dear friend, the goodness 
of your own heart misleads you. You judge 
of others by yourself. 

Jos. Surf Certainly, Sir Peter, the heart 
that is conscious of its own integrity is ever 
slow to credit another's treachery. 

Sir Pet. True — but your brother has no 
sentiment — you never hear him talk so. 

Jos, Surf Yet I can't but think Lady 
Teazle herself has too much principle. 

Sir Pet. Ay, but what is principle against 
the flattery of a handsome, lively young 
fellow ? 

Jos. Surf That 's very true. 

Sir Pet. And then you know the difiference 
of our ages makes it very improbable that 
she should have any very great affection for 
me ; and if she were to be frail, and I were to 
make it public, why, the town w^ould only 
laugh at me, the foolish old bachelor, who 
had married a girl. 



XLbc Scbool tor ScanDal 105 

Jos. Surf. That 's true, to be sure, they 
would laugh. 

Sir Pet. Laugh — ay, and make ballads, 
and paragraphs, and the devil knows what, 
of me. 

Jos. Surf. No — you must never make it 
public. 

Sir Pet. But then — that the nephew of 
my old friend, Sir Oliver, should be the per- 
son to attempt such a wrong, hurts me more 
nearly. 

Jos. Surf. Ay, there 's the point. When 
ingratitude barbs the dart of injury, the 
wound has double danger in it. 

Sir Pet. Ay — I, that was, in a manner, 
left his guardian ; in whose house he has 
been so often entertained ; who never in my 
life denied him — any advice. 

Jos. Surf. Oh, 't is not to be credited. 
There may be a man capable of such base- 
ness, to be sure ; but for my part, till you 
can give me positive proofs, I cannot but 
doubt it. However, if it should be proved 
on him, he is no longer a brother of mine — 
I disclaim kindred with him : for the man 
who can break through the laws of hospi- 



io6 XLbc Scbool for Scandal 

tality, and tempt the wife of his friend, 
deserves to be branded as the pest of 
society. 

vSVr PeL What a difference there is be- 
tween you ! what noble sentiments ! 

/os. Surf. Yet I cannot suspect Lady 
Teazle's honor. 

Sir Pet. I am sure I wish to think well 
of her, and to remove all ground of quarrel 
between us. She has lately reproached me 
more than once with having made no settle- 
ment on her ; and, in our last quarrel, she 
almost hinted that she should not break her 
heart if I was dead. Now, as we seem to 
differ in our ideas of expense, I have re- 
solved she shall have her own way, and be her 
own mistress in that respect, for the future : 
and if I were to die she will find that I have 
not been inattentive to her interest while 
living. Here, my friend, are the drafts of 
two deeds, which I wish to have your 
opinion on. By one, she will enjoy eight 
hundred a year independent while I live ; 
and, by the other, the bulk of my fortune 
after my death. 

Jos. Surf. This conduct, Sir Peter, is 



XLbc Scbool for ScanDal 107 

indeed truly generous — I wish it may not 
corrupt my pupil. [Aside. 

Sir Pet. Yes, I am determined she shall 
have no cause to complain, though I would 
not have her acquainted with the latter 
instance of my afifection yet awhile. 

Jos. Surf. Nor I, if I could help it. 

[Aside. 

Sir Pet. And now, my dear friend, if you 
please, we will talk over the situation of 
your hopes with Maria. 

Jos. Surf. {Softly.'\—0\\, no. Sir Peter; 
another time, if you please. 

Sir Pet. I am sensibly chagrined at the 
little progress you seem to make in her 
affections. 

Jos. Surf I beg you will not mention it, 
sir. What are my disappointments when 
your happiness is in debate. [Softly. "^ 
'Sdeath ! I shall be ruined every way. 

Sir Pet. And though you are so averse to 
my acquainting Lady Teazle with your 
passion, I 'm sure she 's not your enemy in 
the affair. 

Jos. Surf Pray, Sir Peter, now oblige 
me. I am really too much affected by the 



io8 Zbc Scbool tor ScanDal 

subject we have been speaking of to bestow 
a thought on my own concerns. The man 
who is entrusted with his friend's distresses 
can never 

Enter Servant, i,. 
Well, sir ? 

Serv. Your brother, sir, is speaking to a 
gentleman in the street, and says he knows 
you are within. 

Jqs. Surf. \_Rises.'\ 'Sdeath, blockhead, 
I 'm not within — I 'm out for the day. 

Sir Pet. \^Rises.'\ Stay — hold — a thought 
has struck me- — you shall be at home. 

Jos. Surf. \_Crossing to Servant.] Well, 
well, let him up. \^Exit Servant, l.] 
He '11 interrupt Sir Peter, however. \_Aside.'\ 

Sir Pet. [r.] Now, my good friend, oblige 
me, I entreat you. Before Charles comes, 
let me conceal myself somewhere — then do 
you tax him on the point we have been talk- 
ing, and his answer may satisfy me at 
once. 

Jos. Surf. O fie. Sir Peter ! would you 
have me join in so mean a trick ? — To tre- 
pan my brother too ? 



^bc Scbool tor Scandal 109 

Sir Pet. Nay, you tell me you are sure lie 
is innocent ; if so, you do him the greatest 
service by giving him an opportunity to 
clear himself, and you will set my heart at 
rest. Come, you shall not refuse me. 
[Going i(p.'\ Here, behind this screen will 

be Hey ! what the devil ! there seems to 

be one listener here already — I '11 swear I 
saw a petticoat. 

Jos. Surf. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Well, this is 
ridiculous enough. I '11 tell you, Sir Peter, 
though I hold a man of intrigue to be a 
most despicable character, yet, you know, it 
does not follow that one is to be an absolute 
Joseph either ! Hark 'ee, 't is a little French 
milliner — a silly rogue that plagues me — 
and having some character to lose, on your 
coming, sir, she ran behind the screen. 

Sir Pet. Ah ! Joseph ! Joseph ! Did I 
ever think that you — but, egad, she has 
overheard all I have been saying of my wife. 

Jos. Surf. Oh, 't will never go farther, 
you may depend upon it. She does n't 
understand a word of English. 

Sir Pet. No ! then, faith, let her hear it 
out. Here 's a closet will do as well. 



Zbc Scbool tor ScanDal 



yos. Surf. Well, go in there. 

Sir Pet. Sly rogue ! sly rogue ! 

\_Going into the closet, r. 

Jos. Surf. A narrow escape, indeed ! and 
a curious situation I 'm in, to part man and 
wife in this manner. 

Lady Teaz. [Peeping:] Could n't I steal 
off? 

Jos. Surf. Keep close, my angel ! 

[She hides. 

Sir Pet. [Peeping out, r.] Joseph, tax 
him home. 

Jos. Surf. Back, my dear friend ! 

Lady Teaz. [Peepi?ig again.] Could n't 
you lock Sir Peter in ? 

Jos. Surf. Be still, my life ! [She hides. 

Sir Pet. [Peeping.] You 're sure the 
little milliner won't blab ? 

Jos. Surf. In, in, my dear Sir Peter — 'fore 
gad, I wish I had a key to the door. 

[In trepidation, fanning himself with 
his handkerchief.] 

Enter Chari.ES Surface, i.. 

Chas. Surf Holla ! brother, what has 
been the matter ? Your fellow would not 



^be Scbool toe ScanDal 



let me up at first. What ! liave you had a 
Jew or a girl with you ? 

Jos. Surf, [r.] Neither, brother, I assure 
you. 

Chas. Surf, [l.] But what has made Sir 
Peter steal off? I thought he had been with 
you. 

Jos. Surf. He was, brother ; but hearing 
you were coming, he did not choose to stay. 
Chas. Surf. What? was the old gentle- 
man afraid I wanted to borrow money of him? 

Jos. Surf. No, sir ; but I am sorry to find, 
Charles, that you have lately given that 
worthy man grounds for great uneasiness. 

Chas. Surf. Yes, they tell me that I do 
that to a great many worthy men ; but how 
so, pray ? 

Jos. Surf. To be plain with you, brother, 
he thinks you are endeavoring to gain I^ady 
Teazle's affections from him ! 

Chas. Surf. Who, I? O Ivud ! not I, 
upon my word. Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! So the 
old fellow has found out that he has got a 
young wife, has he ? 

Jos. Surf. This is no subject to jest on, 
brother. He who can laugh 



^be Scbool tor Scandal 



Chas, Surf. True, true, as you were going 
to say — then, seriously, I never had the least 
idea of what you charge me with, upon my 
honor. 

Jos. Surf. Well, it will give Sir Peter 
great satisfaction to hear this. 

Chas. Surf To be sure, I once thought 
the lady seemed to have taken a fancy to 
me ; but, upon my soul, I never gave her 
the least encouragement — besides, you know 
my attachment to Maria. 

Jos. Surf. But sure, brother, even if Ivady 
Teazle had betrayed the fondest partiality 
for you 

Chas. Surf. Why, look 'ee, Joseph, I hope 
I shall never deliberately do a dishonorable 
action ; but if a pretty woman was purposely 
to throw herself in my way — and that pretty 
woman married to a man old enough to be 
her father 

Jos. Surf. Well 

Chas. Surf. Why, I believe I should be 
obliged to 

Jos. Surf. What ? 

Chas. Surf. To borrow a little of your 
morality, that 's all. \Crosses R.] But, 



XLbc Scbool tor ScanOal 113 

brother, do you know now that you surprise 
me exceedingly by naming 7ne with Lady 
Teazle ; for, 'faith, I always understood you 
were her favorite. 

/os. Surf. Oh, for shame, Charles ! This 
retort is foolish. 

Chas. Surf. Nay, I swear I have seen you 

exchange such significant glances 

fos. Surf. Nay, nay, sir, this is no jest. 
Chas. Surf. Egad, I 'm serious. Don't you 

remember one day when I called here- 

Jos. Surf. Nay, prythee, Charles 

Chas. Surf And you together 

Jos. Surf. Zounds, sir ! I insist 

Chas. Surf. And another time, your 

servant 

Jos. Surf. Brother, brother, a word with 
you ! Gad, I must stop him. \Aside. 

Chas. Surf. Informed, I say, that 

Jos. Surf. Hush ! {^Putting his handker- 
chief over Chari^es' mouth. '\ I beg your 
pardon, but Sir Peter has heard every word 
we 've been saying. I knew you would clear 
yourself or I would not have consented. 

Chas. Surf. How, Sir Peter! Where 
is he ? 



114 XLbc Scbool tor Scandal 

/os. Surf. Softly ; there. 

[Poinds to the closet, r. 

Chas. Surf. Ob, 'fore heaven, I '11 have 
him out. Sir Peter, come forth ! 

[ Trying to get to the closet. 

Jos. Surf . No, no {^Preventing him. 

Chas. Surf. I say. Sir Peter, come into 
court. [Crosses r. ; pulls in Sir Peter.] 
What ! my old guardian ! What ! turn in- 
quisitor, and take evidence incog. ? Oh, fie ! 
oh, fie ! 

Sir Pet. Give me your hand, Charles — I 
believe I have suspected you wrongfully ; 
but you must n't be angry with Joseph — 
't was my plan ! 

Chas. Surf Indeed ! 

Sir Pet. But I acquit you. I promise you 
I don't think near so ill of you as I did : 
what I have heard has given me great satis- 
faction. 

Chas. Surf. Egad, then 't was lucky you 
did n't hear any more — was n't it, Joseph ? 
{Apart to Joseph. 

Sir Pet. Ah ! you would have retorted on 
him. 

Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, that was a joke. 



Zbc Scbool for Scandal 115 

Sir Pet. Yes, yes, I know his honor too 
well. 

Chas. Surf. But you might as well sus- 
pect him as nie in this matter, for all that — 
might n't he, Joseph ? \_Apart to Joseph. 

Sir Pet. Well, well, I believe you. 

Jos. Surf. Would they were both out of 
the room ! [Aside. 

Sir Pet. And in future, perhaps, we may 
not be such strangers. 

Enter Servant, i,. 

Serv. L,ady Sneerwell is below, and says 
she will come up. 

Jos. Surf Lady Sneerwell ! Gad's life ! 
she must not come here ! [Exit Servant, 
iv.] Gentlemen, I beg pardon — I must wait 
on you down stairs : here is a person come 
on particular business. 

Chas. Surf Well, you can see him in 
another room. Sir Peter and I have not 
met for a long time, and I have something 
to say to him. 

Jos. Surf. They must not be left together. 
[Aside. '\ I '11 send Lady Sneerwell away, 



ii6 XLbc Scbool for ScanDal 

and return directly. [Suddenly, seeing Sir 
Peter approach the screen.'\ Sir Peter ! 
[Aside as Sir Peter comes to kim.] Not a 
word of the French milliner. [Suddenly, as 
Chari^es approaches the screen.'\ Charles, 
entertain Sir Peter ! [Exits. 

Sir Pet. [r. c] Ah! Charles, if you 
associated more with your brother one 
might indeed hope for your reformation. 
He is a man of sentiment. Well, there is 
nothing in the world so noble as a man of 
sentiment. 

Chas Surf. [l. c] Pshaw ! he is too 
moral by half. 

Sir Pet. No, no ! Come, come — you 
wrong him. No, no ! Joseph is no rake, 
but he is no such saint either. I have a 
great mind to tell him — we should have such 
a laugh at Joseph. [Aside. 

Chas. Surf. Oh, hang him ! He 's a very 
anchorite, a young hermit. 

Sir Pet. Hark 'ee — you must not abuse 
him , he may chance to hear of it again, I 
promise you. 

Chas. Surf Why, you won't tell him ? 

Sir Pet. No !— I won't tell him— but— 



^be Scbool tor Scandal 117 

this way. Egad, I '11 tell him. [Aside.] 
Hark 'ee — have you a mind to have a good 
laugh at Joseph ? 

C/ms. Surf. I should like it of all things. 

Sir Pet. Then, i' faith, we will— I '11 be 
quit with him for discovering me. He had a 
girl with him when I called. [ Whispers. 

Chas. Surf. What ! Joseph ? — you jest. 

Sir Pet. Hush ! — a little French milliner, 
who does n't speak a word of English — and 
the best of the jest is — she 's in the room 
now. 

Chas. Surf. The deuce she is ! 

[Points at closet. 

Sir Pet. Hush ! I tell you ! 

[Knocks his hand and points to the screen. 

Chas. Surf. Behind the screen ! 'Slife, 
let us unveil. 

Sir Pet. No, no — he 's coming — you 
sha'n't, indeed. 

Chas. Siuf. Oh, egad, we '11 have a peep 
at the little milliner ! 

[Endeavoring to get toward screen. Sir 
Peter preventing. ] 

Sir Pet. Not for the world — Joseph will 
never forgive me 



XLbc Scbool for Scandal 



Chas. Surf. I '11 stand by you 

Sir Pet. Odds, here he is ! 

Joseph Surface enters, x,.Just as Charxes 
Surface throws down the screen. 

Chas. Surf, [c] Lady Teazle ! by all 
that 's wonderful ! 

Jos. Surf. Lady Teazle ! by all that 's 
horrible ! 

Sir Pet. [r.] Lady Teazle ! by all that 's 
damnable ! 

Chas. Surf. Sir Peter, this is one of the 
smartest French milliners I ever saw. Egad, 
you seem all to have been diverting your- 
selves here at hide-and-seek, and I don't see 
who is out of the secret. Shall I beg your 
ladyship to inform me? But I forgot, the 
little French milliner does n't speak a word 
of English ! Not a word ! Brother, will you 
be pleased to explain this matter ? What 1 
is Morality dumb too ? Sir Peter, though I 
found you in the dark, perhaps you are not 
so now ! All mute ! Well — though I can 
make nothing of the affair, I suppose you 
perfectly understand one another — so I '11 
leave you to yourselves. \^Going.'\ Brother, 



Zbc Scbool for ScanDal 119 

I 'm sorry to find you have given that worthy 
man grounds for so much uneasiness. Sir 
Peter, there 's nothing in the world so noble 
as a man of sentiment ! 

[£:vti Chari^es, I.. Sir Peter and 
Joseph stand for some thne looking 
at each other. ] 

Jos. Surf, [i,.] Sir Peter — notwithstanding 
— I confess — that appearances are against me 
— if you will afford me your patience — I make 
no doubt — but I shall explain every thing to 
your satisfaction. 

Sir Pet. [i,.] If you please, sir. 

Jos. Surf. The fact is, sir, that I^ady Teazle, 
knowing my pretensions to your ward Maria 
— I say, sir, I^ady Teazle, being apprehensive 
of the jealousy of your temper — and knowing 
my friendship to the family — she, sir, I say — 
called here— in order that — I might explain 
these pretensions — but on your coming — 
being apprehensive — as I said — of your jeal- 
ousy — she withdrew — and this, you may 
depend on it, is the whole truth of the 
matter. 

Sir Pet. A very clear account, upon my 



^be Scbool for Scandal 



word ; and I dare swear the lady will vouch 
for every article of it. 

Lady Teaz. \_Coming forward, c] For 
not one word of it, Sir Peter ! 

Sir Pet. How ! don't you think it worth 
while to agree in the lie ? 

Lady Teaz. There is not one syllable of 
truth in what that gentleman has told you. 

Sir Pet. I believe you, upon my soul, 
ma'am ! 

Jos. Surf. [Aside.'] 'Sdeath, madam, will 
you betray me ? 

Lady Teaz. Good Mr. Hypocrite, by your 
leave, I '11 speak for myself. 

Sir Pet. Ay, let her alone, sir ; you '11 find 
she '11 make out a better story than you with- 
out prompting. 

Lady Teaz. Hear me. Sir Peter ! I came 
hither on no matter relating to your ward, 
and even ignorant of the gentleman's pre- 
tensions to her. But I came, tempted by his 
insidious arguments, at least to listen to his 
pretended passion, if not to sacrifice your 
honor to his baseness. 

Sir Pet. Now I believe the truth is com- 
ing indeed ! 



Zbc Scbool for ScanDal 



Jos. Surf. The woman 's mad ! 

Lady Teaz. No, sir — the woman has re- 
covered her senses, and your own arts have 
furnished her with the means. Sir Peter, I 
do not expect you to credit me — but the 
tenderness you expressed for me, when I am 
sure you could not think I w^as a witness to 
it, has so penetrated to my heart that, had I 
left the place without the shame of this dis- 
covery, my future life should have spoken 
the sincerity of my gratitude. [ Crosses to t,. ] 
As for that smooth-tongued hypocrite, who 
would have tempted the wife of his too 
credulous friend, while he affected honor- 
able addresses to his ward — I behold him 
now in a light so truly despicable that I 
shall never again respect myself for having 
listened to him. 

\^Exit I^ADY TEAZIyE, I.. 

Jos. SiirJ. Notwithstanding all this. Sir 
Peter, Heaven knows 

Sir Pet. \JJrosses, i..] That you are a 
villain ! and so I leave you to your con- 
science. 

Jos. SurJ. You are too rash, Sir Peter ; you 



Zbc Scbool tor ScanDal 



shall hear me. The man who shuts out con- 
viction by refusing to 

Sir Pet. Oh, damn your sentiments ! 
[Exeunt Sir Petsr aiid Surface; 
talking, iv.] 

END OF ACT IV. 




-^^J^^i^ii^:;^^^^^^ 



ACT V. 

Scene. — Sir Peter Teazle's House. As 
ill Act II, 

Enter Maid and Mrs. Candour, l. 

Maid, [r.] Indeed, ma'am, my lady will 
see nobody at present. 

Mrs. Can. [i..] Did you tell her it was 
her friend, Mrs. Candour ? 

Maid. Yes, ma'am ; but she begs you 
will excuse her. 

Mrs. Can. Do go again — I shall be glad 
to see her, if it be only for a moment, for I 
am sure she must be in great distress. \_Exit 
Maid, r.] Dear heart, how provoking ! I 'm 
not mistress of half the circumstances ! We 
shall have the whole affair in the news- 
papers, with the names of the parties at 
length, before I have dropped the story at a 
dozen houses. 

123 



124 tTbe Scbool tor Scandal 



Enter Sir Benjamin Backbite, l. d. 
Oh, dear Sir Benjamin, you have heard, I 
suppose 

Sir Ben. [l.] Of Lady Teazle and Mr. 
Surface 

Mrs. Can. [i,.] And Sir Peter's dis- 
covery 

Sir Ben. Oh ! the strangest piece of busi- 
ness, to be sure. 

M7^s. Can. Well, I never was so surprised 
in my life. I am sorry for all parties, in- 
deed. 

Sir Ben. Now, I don't pity Sir Peter at 
all ; he was so extravagantly partial to Mr. 
Surface. 

Mrs. Can. Mr. Surface ! Why, 't was 
with Charles Lady Teazle was detected. 

Sir Ben. No such thing, I tell you — Mr. 
Surface is the gallant. 

Mrs. Can. No, no, Charles is the man. 
'T was Mr. Surface brought Sir Peter on 
purpose to discover them. 

Sir Ben. I tell you I had it from one 

Mrs. Can. And I have it from one 

Sir Ben. Who had it from one, who had 
it 



^be Scbool tor ScanDal 125 

Mrs. Can. From one immediately — but 
here comes Lady Sneerwell ; perhaps she 
knows the whole affair. [^Crosses, c. 

Enter Lady Sneehwell, l. d. 

Lady Sneer. So, my dear Mrs. Candour, 
here 's a sad affair of our friend Teazle. 

Mrs. Can. [c] Ay, my dear friend, who 
would have thought 

Lady Sneer, [i..] Well, there is no trust- 
ing appearances ; though, indeed, she was 
always too lively for me. 

Mrs. Can. To be sure, her manners were 
a little too free ; but then she was so 
young ! 

Lady Sneer. And had, indeed, some good 
qualities. 

Mrs. Can. So she had, indeed. But 
have you heard the particulars ? 

Lady Sneer. No ; no, but everybody says 
that Mr. Surface 

Sir Ben [r.] Ay, there ; I told you Mr. 
Surface was the man. 

Mrs. Can. No, no — indeed the assigna- 
tion was with Charles. 



126 ^be Scbool tor Scandal 

Lady Sneer. With Charles ! you alarm 
me, Mrs. Candour. 

Mrs. Can. Yes, yes, he was the lover. 
Mr. Surface, to do him justice, was only the 
informer. 

Sir Ben. Well, I '11 not dispute with you, 
Mrs. Candour ; but, be it which it may, I 
hope that Sir Peter's wound will not 

Mrs. Can. Sir Peter's wound ! Oh, 
mercy ! I did n't hear a word of their fight- 
ing. 

Lady Sneer. *Nor I, a syllable. 

Sir Ben. No ! what, no mention of the 
duel? \_Crosses, c. 

Mrs. Can. [r.] Not a word. \_All sit. 

Sir Ben. [c]. Oh, yes ; they fought 
before they left the room. 

Lady Sneer, [iv.] Pray, let us hear. 

Mrs. Can. Ay, do oblige us with the 
duel. 

Sir Ben. "Sir," says Sir Peter, im- 
mediately after the discovery, *'you are a 
most ungrateful fellow." 

Mrs. Can. Ay, to Charles 

Sir Ben. No, no, no — to Mr. Surface — 
** a most ungrateful fellow ; and, old as I 



XLlyc Scbool for ScanDal 127 

am, sir," says he, " I insist on immediate 
satisfaction." 

Mrs. Can. Ay, that must have been to 
Charles ; for 't is very unlikely Mr. Surface 
should fight in his own house. 

Sir. Ben. Gad's life, ma'am, not at all — 
"Giving me immediate satisfaction." On 
this, ma'am, Lady Teazle, seeing Sir Peter in 
such danger, ran out of the room in strong 
hysterics, and Charles after her, calling out 
for hartshorn and water ; then, madam, they 
began to fight with swords 

Enter Crabtree, i.. ; crosses, i.. c. 

Crab. With pistols, nephew — pistols ; I 
have it from undoubted authority. 

Mrs. Can. {^Crosses to Crabtree.] Oh, 
Mr. Crabtree, then it is all true ? 

Crab. [i,. c] Too true, indeed, madam, 
and Sir Peter is dangerously wounded 

Sir Ben. [r.] By a thrust in segoon quite 
through his left side 

Crab. By a bullet lodged in the thorax. 

3Irs. Can. Mercy on me ! Poor Sir 
Peter ! 



128 Zbc Scbool tot ScanDal 

Crad. Yes, madam ; though Charles 
would have avoided the matter if he could. 

Mrs. Can. I told you who it was ; I knew 
Charles was the person. 

Sir Ben. My uncle, I see, knows nothing 
of the matter. 

Crab. But Sir Peter taxed him with the 
basest ingratitude. 

Sir Ben. That I told you, you know 

Crab. Do, nephew, let me speak ! — and 
insisted on immediate 

Sir Ben. Satisfaction ! Just as I said. 

\_Crosses r. c. 

Crab. [r. c] Odds life, nephew, allow 
others to know something too ! A pair of 
pistols lay on the bureau. Sir Peter forced 
Charles to take one ; and they fired, it 
seems, pretty nearly together. Charles' 
shot took effect, as I tell you, and Sir 
Peter's missed ; but, what is very extra- 
ordinary, the ball struck a little bronze 
Shakespeare that stood over the fireplace, 
grazed out of the window at a right angle, and 
wounded the postman, who was just coming 
to the door with a double letter from North- 
amptonshire — but whether the letter was 



^be Scbool tor ScanDal 129 

prepaid or not, I have not been able to 
ascertain. [Crosses r. 

Sir Ben. My uncle's account is more cir- 
cumstantial, I confess ; but I believe mine 
is the only true one, for all that. 

Lady Sneer. [Aside. "X I am more inter- 
ested in this affair than they imagine, and 
must have better information. 

[Exit lyADY SnedrwkIvI,, i<. d. 

Sir Ben. Ah ! I^ady Sneerwell's alarm is 
very easily accounted for. 

Crab. Yes, yes, they certainly do say — 
but that 's neither here nor there. 

Mrs. Can. But, pray, where is Sir Peter at 
present ? 

Crab. Oh ! they brought him home, and 
he is now in the house, though the servants 
are ordered to deny him. 

Mrs. Can. I believe so, and Lady Teazle, 
I suppose, attending him. 

Crab. Yes, yes ; and I saw one of the 
faculty enter just before me. 

Sir Ben. Hey! who comes here? 

Crab. Oh, this is he : the physician, de- 
pend on 't. 



I30 ^be Scbool for ScanDal 

Mrs. Can. Oh, certainly ; it must be the 
physician ; and now we shall know. 

Enter Sir O1.IVER Surface, i,. d. 

Crab. [r. c] Well, doctor, what hopes? 

Mrs. Can. Ay, doctor, how 's your pa- 
tient ? 

Sir Ben. Now, doctor, is n't it a wound 
with a small sword ? 

Incoming down on Sir Oi^iver'S i.. 

Crab. A bullet lodged in the thorax, for 
a hundred. 

Sir Oliv. Doctor ! a wound with a small 
sword ! and a bullet in the thorax ! Oons ! 
are you mad, good people ? 

Sir Ben. [i..] Perhaps, sir, you are not a 
doctor ? 

Sir Oliv. Truly, I am to thank you for 
my degree if I am. 

Crab. Only a friend of Sir Peter's, then, I 
presume. — But, sir, you must have heard of 
his accident ? 

Sir Oliv. Not a word ! 

Crab. Not of his being dangerously 
wounded ? 



Zbc Scbool tor Scandal 131 

Sir Oliv. The deuce he is ! 

Sir Ben. Run through the body 

Crab. Shot in the breast 

Sir Ben. By one Mr, Surface 

Crab. Ay, the younger. 

Sir Oliv. Hey ! what the plague ! you 
seem to differ strangely in your accounts ; 
however, you agree that Sir Peter is danger- 
ously wounded ? 

Sir Ben. Oh, yes, we agree in that. 

lacrosses behind to r. 

Crab. Yes, yes, I believe there can be no 
doubt of that. 

Sir Oliv. Then, upon my word, for a 
person in that situation he is the most 
imprudent man alive ; for here he comes 
walking as if nothing at all was the matter. 

Enter Sir Peter Teazle, r. 

Odd's heart. Sir Peter, you are come in good 
time, I promise you ; for we had just given 
you over. 

Sir Be?i. [i^.] Egad, uncle, this is the 
most sudden recovery ! 

Sir Oliv. Why, man, what do you out 



132 Zbc Scbool for ScanDal 

of bed with a small sword through your 
body, and a bullet lodged in your thorax? 

Sir Pet. [r.] A small sword and a bullet? 

Sir Oliv. Ay, these gentlemen would 
have killed you without law or physic, and 
wanted to dub me doctor, to make me an 
accomplice. 

Sir Pet. Why, what is all this ? 

\_Crosses c. 

Sir Ben. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the 
story of the duel is not true, and are sin- 
cerely sorry for your other misfortune. 

\Goes up a little. 

Sir Pet. So, so ; all over the town already. 

\^Aside. 

Crab. Though, Sir Peter, you were cer- 
tainly vastly to blame to marry at your years. 
\_Re tires a little up. 

Sir Pet. [r. c] Sir, what business is that 
of yours ? 

Mrs Can. Though, indeed, as Sir Peter 
made so good a husband, he 's very much to 
be pitied. 

Sir Pet. Plague ou j^our pity, ma'am ! I 
desire none of it. 

[Mrs. Candour crosses, l. 



Zbc Scbool tor ScanDal 133 



Sir Ben. {^Advances on his i,.] However, 
Sir Peter, you must not mind the laughing 
and jests you will meet with on the occa- 
sion. 

Sir Pet. Sir, sir, I desire to be master in 
my own house. 

Crab. \_Advancing to hifn.'\ 'T is no 
uncommon case, that 's one comfort. 

Sir Pet. I insist on being left to myself ; 
without ceremony — I insist on your leaving 
my house directly. 

Mrs. Can. [^Advancing to hitn.'] Well, 
well, we are going, and depend on 't we '11 
make the best report of it we can. 

Sir Pet. Leave my house ! 

[ The three take arms. 

Crab. And tell how hardly you 've been 
treated 

Sir Pet. Leave my house ! 

Sir Ben. And how patiently you bear it. 
\_Exetint Mrs. Candour, Sir Ben- 
jamin and Crabtrke;, l., arm in 
arm.'] 

Sir Pet. Leave my house ! — Fiends ! 
vipers ! furies ! Oh ! that their own venom 
would choke them ! 



134 tTbe Scbool for Scandal 

Sir Oliv. They are very provoking, in- 
deed, Sir Peter. 



Enter Rowi^ey, i.. 

Roiv. I heard high words : what has 
ruffled you, sir ? 

Sir Pet. [c] Pshaw! what signifies ask- 
ing ? Do I ever pass a day without vexa- 
tions ? 

Row. Well, I 'm not inquisitive. 

Sir Oliv. [r.] Well, I am not inquisitive : 
I come only to tell you that I have seen 
both my nephews in the manner we pro- 
posed. 

Sir Pet. A precious couple they are ! 

Row. Yes, and Sir Oliver is convinced 
that your judgment was right. Sir Peter. 

Sir Oliv. Yes, I find Joseph is indeed the 
man, after all. 

Row. Ay, as Sir Peter says, he is a man 
of sentiment. 

Sir Oliv. And acts up to the sentiments 
he professes. 

Row. It certainly is edification to hear 
him talk. 



trbe Scbool tor Scandal 135 

Sir Oliv. Oh, he 's a model for the young 
men of the age ! — But, how 's this, Sir Peter ? 
You don't join us in your friend Joseph's 
praise, as I expected. 

Sir Pet. [c] Sir Oliver, we live in a very 
wicked world, and the fewer we praise the 
better. 

Row. [i^. ] What ! do you say so. Sir 
Peter, who were never mistaken in your 
life? 

Sir Pet. [c] Pshaw ! Plague on you 
both ! I see by your sneering you have heard 
the whole affair. I shall go mad among you ! 

Row. Then, to fret you no longer. Sir 
Peter, we are indeed acquainted with it all. 
I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Sur- 
face's, so humble that she deigned to request 
me to be her advocate with you. 

Sir Pet. And does Sir Oliver know all 
this? 

Sir Oliv. Every circumstance. 

Sir Pet. What, of the closet and the 
screen, hey ? 

Sir Oliv. Yes, yes, and the little French 
milliner. Oh, I have been vastly diverted 
with the story ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! 



136 ^be Scbool tor ScanDal 

Sir Pet. 'T was very pleasant. 

Sir Oliv. I never laughed more in my 
life, I assure you. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Sir Pet. Oh, vastly diverting ! Ha ! ha ! 
ha! 

Row. To be sure, Joseph with his senti- 
ments. Ha ! ha ! 

Sir Pet. Yes, yes, his sentiments! Ha! 
ha ! ha ! Hypocritical villain ! 

Sir Oliv. Ay, and that rogue Charles, to 
pull Sir Peter out of the closet ! Ha I ha I ha ! 

Sir Pet. Ha! ha! 'T was devilish enter- 
taining, to be sure. 

Sir Oliv. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Bgad, Sir Peter, 
I should like to have seen your face when 
the screen was thrown down ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Sir Pet. Yes, yes, ray face when the 
screen was thrown down ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
Oh, I must never show my head again I 

\Sinks on seat, c. 

Sir Oliv. But come, come ; it is n't fair 
to laugh at you, neither, my old friend ; 
though, upon my soul, I can't help it. 

Sir Pet. Oh, pray don't restrain your 
mirth on my account : it does not hurt me 
at all ! I laugh at the whole affair myself. 



Zbc Scbool for Scan&al 137 

Yes, yes, I think being a standing joke for 
all one's acquaintance a very happy situa- 
tion. Oh, yes, and then, of a morning, to 

read the paragraph about Mr. S , Lady 

T , and Sir P , will be so entertaining, 

I .shall certainly leave town to-morrow, and 
never look mankind in the face again. 

IJ^tses and crosses, r, 

Row. [c] Without aifectation, Sir Peter, 
you may despise the ridicule of fools. But 
I see lyady Teazle going toward the next 
room ; I am sure you must desire a recon- 
ciliation as earnestly as she does. 

Sir Oliv. Perhaps my being here pre- 
vents her coming to you. \_Going,'\ Well, 
I '11 leave honest Rowley to mediate between 
you. \_Exit, I,. 

Sir Pet. She is not coming here, you see, 
Rowley. 

Rozv. No, but she has left the door of 
that room open, you perceive. See, she is 
in tears. 

Sir Pet. Certainly, a little mortification 
appears very becoming in a wife. \_Co7nes 
forward.'] Don't j-ou think it will do her 
good to let her pine a little? 



138 ITbe Scbool for Scandal 

Row, Oh, this is ungenerous in you ! 

Sir Pet. Well, I know not what to think. 
You remember the letter I found of hers, 
evidently intended for Charles ? 

Row. A mere forgery. Sir Peter, laid in 
your way on purpose. This is one of the 
points which I intend Snake shall give you 
conviction of. 

Sir Pet. I wish I were once satisfied of 
that. She looks this way. What a remark- 
ably elegant turn of the head she has ! 
Rowley, I '11 go to her. 

Row. Certainly. 

Sir Pet. Though, when it is known that 
we are reconciled, people will laugh at me 
ten times more. 

Row. Let them laugh, and retort their 
malice only by showing them that you are 
happy in spite of it. 

Sir Pet. V faith, so I will ! and, if I 'm 
not mistaken, we may yet be the happiest 
couple in the country. 

Row. Nay, Sir Peter, he who once lays 
aside suspicion 

Sir Pet. Hold, Master Rowley ! If you 
have any regard for me never let me hear 



Zbc Scbool for ScanDal 139 

you utter any thing like a sentiment : I have 
had enough of them to serve me the rest of 
my life. \_Exeunt, r. 

Enter Lady SneerwelIv and Joseph Sur- 
face, L. 

Lady Sneer. Explain to Sir Peter ! Im- 
possible ! Will he not immediately be rec- 
onciled to Charles, and of consequence no 
longer oppose his union with Maria ? The 
thought is distraction to me. 

Jos. Surf. Can passion furnish a remedy ? 

Lady Sneer. No, nor cunning either. Oh, 
I was a fool, an idiot, to league with such a 
blunderer ! 

Jos. Surf. Sure, Lady Sneerwell, I am the 
greatest sufferer ; yet you see I bear the acci- 
dent with calmness. Well, I admit I have 
been to blame. I confess I deviated from the 
direct road to wrong, but I don't think we 're 
so totally defeated neither. 

Lady Sneer. No ! 

Jos. Surf You tell me you have made a 
trial of Snake since we met, and that you 
still believe him faithful to us ? 

Lady Sneer. I do believe so. 



I40 ^be Scbool tor ScanDal 

Jos. Surf. And that lie has undertaken, 
should it be necessary, to swear and prove 
that Charles is at this time contracted by 
vows of honor to your ladyship, which some 
of his former letters to you will serve to 
support. 

Lady Sneer. This, indeed, might have 
assisted. 

Jos. Surf. Come, come ; it is not too late 
yet. \_K710cking at the door, i<.] But hark ! 
this is probably my uncle, Sir Oliver. Re- 
tire to that room ; we '11 consult further 
when he is gone. 

Lady Sneer. Well, but if he should find 
you out too ? 

Jos. Surf Oh, I have no fear of that. Sir 
Peter will hold his tongue for his own 
credit's sake — and you may depend on it I 
shall soon discover Sir Oliver's weak side ! 

Lady Sneer. I have no diflSdence of your 
abilities ! only be constant to one roguery 
at a time. 

\_Exit L/ADY Sneerwei.Iv, X,. 

Jos. Surf I will, I will. So, 't is con- 
founded hard, after such bad fortune, to be 
baited by one's confederates in evil. Well, 



tlbe Scbool for ScanDal 141 

at all events, my character is so much better 

than Charles', that I certainly Hey! 

what ! — this is not Sir Oliver, but old 
Stanley again. Plague on 't ! that he 
should return to tease me just now. I shall 
have Sir Oliver come and find him here — 
and 

Enter Sir Owver Surface, i.. d. 

Gad's life, Mr. Stanley, why have you come 
back to plague me at this time ? You must 
not stay now, upon my word. 

Sir Oliv. [i..] Sir, I hear your uncle 
Oliver is expected here, and though he has 
been so penurious to you, I '11 try what he '11 
do for me. 

Jos. Surf, [r.] Sir, 't is impossible for you 

to stay now, so I must beg Come any 

other time, and I promise you you shall be 
assisted. 

Sir Oliv. No, Sir Oliver and I must be 
acquainted. 

Jos. Surf. Zounds, sir ! then I insist on 
your quitting the room directly. 

Sir Oliv. Nay, sir 

Jos Surf. Sir, I insist on 't ! Since you 



142 ^be Scbool tor ScariDal 

compel me, sir, — not one moment — this is 
such insolence ! 

[Going to push him out, i,. 

Enter CharIvES Surface, i.. d. 

Chas. Sitrf. Heyday ! what 's the matter 
now ! What, the devil, have you got hold 
of my little broker here ? Zounds, brother, 
don't hurt little Premium. \_Crosses. c] 
What 's the matter, my little fellow ? 

Jos. Surf, [r.] So ! he has been with you 
too, has he ? 

Chas. Surf . [c] To be sure he has. Why, 

he 's as honest a little But sure, Joseph, 

you have not been borrowing money too, 
have you ? 

Jos. Surf. Borrowing ? No ! But, brother, 
you know we expect Sir Oliver here 
every 

Chas. Surf O Gad, that 's true! Noll 
must n't find the little broker here, to be 
sure ! 

Jos. Surf Yet Mr. Stanley insists 

Chas. Surf Stanley ! why his name 's 
Premium. 

Jos. Surf No, sir, Stanley. 



XLbc Scbool for ScanDal 143 

Chas. Surf. No, no, Premium. 

Jos. Surf. Well, no matter which — 
but 

Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, Stanley or Premium, 
't is the same thing, as you say ; for I sup- 
pose he goes by half a hundred names, 
besides A. B. at the coffee-house. [K?iock. 

Jos. Surf 'Sdeath ! here 's Sir Oliver at 
the door. Now I beg, Mr. Stanley 

Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, and I beg, Mr. Pre- 
mium 

Sir Oliv. Gentlemen 

Jos. Surf. Sir, by heaven you shall go ! 

Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, out with him, cer- 
tainly ! 

Sir Oliv. This violence 

Jos. Surf Sir, 't is your own fault. 

Chas. Surf Out with him, to be sure. 

\^Both forcing Sir Oi^iver out. 

Enter I,ady Teazi^e and Sir Peter, 
Maria, and Rowi^ey, r. d. 

Sir Pet. [c] My old friend. Sir Oliver— 
hey ! What in the name of wonder — here 
are dutiful nephews — assault their uncle on 
a first visit ! 



144 ^be Scbool tor ScanDal 

Lady Teaz. [r. c] Indeed, Sir Oliver, 
'twas well we came to rescue you. 

Roiu. [R.] Truly it was ; for I perceive, 
Sir Oliver, the character of old Stanley was 
no protection to you. 

Sir Oliv. [i*. c] Nor Premium, either ; 
the necessities of the former could not 
extort a shilling from that benevolent 
gentleman ; and with the other, I stood a 
chance of faring worse than my ancestors, 
and being knocked down without being 
bid for, 

Jos. Surf, [i..] Charles ! 

Chas. Surf, [i,.] Joseph ! 

Jos. Surf 'T is now complete. 

Chas. Surf. Very. 

Sir. Oliv. Sir Peter, my friend, and Row- 
ley, too — ^look on that elder nephew of 
mine. You know what he has already re- 
ceived from my bounty ; and you also know 
how gladly I would have regarded half of 
my fortune as held in trust for him ; judge, 
then, of my disappointment on discovering 
him to be destitute of truth, charity, and 
gratitude. 

Sir. Pel. [i.. c] Sir Oliver, I should be 



Zbe Scbool for ScanDal 145 

more surprised at this declaration if I had 
not myself found him to be selfish, treach- 
erous, and hypocritical. 

Lady Teaz. And if the gentleman pleads 
not guilty to these, pray let him call "ine to 
his character. 

Sir. Pet. Then, I believe, we need add 
no more ; if he knows himself, he will con- 
sider it as the most perfect punishment, that 
he is known to the world. 

Chas. Surf. If they talk this way to hon- 
esty, what will they say to me by and by ? 

S^Aside. 

[Sir Petkr, Lady Teazi^e, and Maria 
retire. ] 

Sir Oliv. As for that prodigal, his brother 
there 

Chas. Surf. Ay, now comes my turn ; 
those confounded family pictures will ruin 
me. [Aside. 

Jos. Surf. vSir Oliver — uncle, will you 
honor me with a hearing ? 

Chas. Surf Now, if Joseph would make 
one of his long speeches, I might recollect 
myself a little. \_Aside. 



146 Zbc Scbool for Scandal 

Sir Oliv. I suppose you would undertake 
to j ustify yourself ? \^To Joseph. 

Jos, Surf. I trust I could. 

Sir Oliv. Nay, if you desert your roguery 
in its distress, and try to be justified, you 
have even less principle than I thought you 
had. [ To Chari.es] Well, sir, you could 
justify yourself too, I suppose ? 

Chas. Surf. Not that I know of, Sir 
Oliver. 

Sir Oliv. What! lyittle Premium has 
been let too much into the secret, I sup- 
pose? 

Chas. Surf True, sir ; but they were 
family secrets, and should not be men- 
tioned again, you know. 

Row. Come, Sir Oliver, I know you can- 
not speak of Charles' follies with anger. 

Sir Oliv. Odd's heart, no more I can ; nor 
with gravity either. Sir Peter, do you know 
the rogue bargained with me for all his 
ancestors? sold me judges and generals by 
the foot, and maiden aunts as cheap as 
broken china. 

Chas. Surf. To be sure. Sir Oliver, I did 
make a little free with the famih^ canvas, 



^be Scbool for Scandal 147 

that 's the truth on 't. My ancestors may 
certainly rise up in judgment against me : 
there 'sno denying it; but believe me sincere 
when I tell you — that if I do not appear 
mortified at the exposure of my follies, it is 
because I feel at this moment the warmest 
satisfaction in seeing you, my liberal 
benefactor. 

Sir Oliv. Charles, I believe you : give me 
your hand again : the ill-looking little fel- 
low over the settee has made your peace. 

Chas. Surf. Then, sir, my gratitude to 
the original is still increased. 

Lady Teaz. \_Advancing, c, Maria on 
her R.] Yet, I believe, Sir Oliver, here is 
one whom Charles is still more anxious to 
be reconciled to. 

Sir Oliv. Oh ! I have heard of his attach- 
ment there ; and, with the young lady's 
pardon, if I construe right that blush 

Sir Pet. Well, child, speak your senti- 
ments ! 

Maria. Sir, I have little to say, but that 
I shall rejoice to hear that he is happy ; for 
me, whatever claim I had to his attention, I 
willingly resign to one who has a better title. 



148 ^be Scbool tor ScanDal 

Chas. Surf. How, Maria ! 

Sir Pet. Heyday ! what 's the mystery 
now ? While he appeared an incorrigible 
rake you would give your hand to no one 
else ; and now that he is likely to reform, 
I '11 warrant you won't have him. 

Maria. His own heart and I^ady Sneer- 
well know the cause. 

Chas. Surf. I^ady Sneerwell ! 

Joseph, [i..] Brother, it is with great 
concern I am obliged to speak on this point 
but my regard to justice compels me, and 
Lady Sneerwell's injuries can no longer be 
concealed. \_Opens the door, \^. 

Enter 'LiA.'DY SneerweIvI., r. 

Sir Pet. So ! another French milliner ! 
Egad, I wonder if he hides them in my 
house as well as his own. 

Lady Sneer. Ungrateful Charles ! Well 
may you be surprised, and feel for the indeli- 
cate situation your perfidy has forced me 
into. 

Chas. Surf. Pray, uncle, is this anothei 
plot of yours? For, as I have life, I don't 
understand it. 



^be Scbool tor ScanDal 149 

Jos. Siirf. I believe, sir, there is but the 
evidence of one person more necessary to 
make it extremely clear. 

Sir Pet. And that person, I imagine, is 
Mr. Snake. Rowley, you were perfectly 
right to bring him with us, and pray let him 
appear. 

Row. Walk in, Mr. Snake. 

Enter Mr. Snake, r. d. 

I thought his testimony might be wanted ; 
however, it happens, unluckily, that he 
comes to confront Lady Sneerwell, not to 
support her. 

Lady Sneer, [i,.] A villain! Treacherous 
to me at last ! Speak, fellow : have you, 
too, conspired against me ? 

Snake, [r.] I beg your ladyship ten 
thousand pardons ; you paid me extremely 
liberally for the lie in question ; but I, un- 
fortunatel}'^, have been offered double to 
speak the truth. \^Goes up. 

Sir Pet. Plot and counterplot ! I wish 
your ladyship joy of your negotiation. 

Lady Sneer. \_Crosses,i,.'\ The torments 
of shame and disappointment on you all ! 



150 tibe Scbool for ScanDal 

Lady Teaz. Hold, Lady Sneerwell : 
before you go, let me thank you for the 
trouble you and that gentleman have taken 
in writing letters from me to Charles, and 
answering them yourself ; and let me also 
request you to make my respects to the 
scandalous college, of which you are presi- 
dent, and inform them that Lady Teazle, 
licentiate, begs leave to return the diploma 
they granted her, as she leaves off practice, 
and kills characters no longer. 

Lady Sneer. You, too, madam — {^Crosses 
L.], provoking — insolent — May your hus- 
band live these fifty years ! \Exit i,. 

Sir Pet. Oons ! what a fury ! 

Lady Teaz. A malicious creature indeed ! 

Sir Pet. [On Lady Teazi^k'S right hand.} 
What ! not for her last wish ? 

Lady Teaz. Oh, no I 

Sir Oliv. Well, sir, and what have you to 
say now ? 

Jgs. Surf. Sir, I am so confounded to find 
that Lady Sneerwell could be guilty of 
suborning Mr. Snake in this manner, to im- 
pose on us all, that I know not what to say : 
however, lest her revengeful spirit should 



Zbc Scbool for ScanOal 151 

prompt her to injure my brother, I had cer- 
tainly better follow her directly. For the 

man who attempts to 

[Crosses and exit, i,. 

Sir Pet. Moral to the last ! 

Sir Oliv. Ay, and marry her, Joseph, if 
you can. Oil and vinegar ! Bgad ! you '11 
do very well together. 

Row. I believe we have no more occasion 
for Mr. Snake, at present. 

Snake. [i<.] Before I go, I beg pardon, 
once for all, for whatever uneasiness I have 
been the humble instrument of causing to 
the parties present. 

Sir Pet. Well, well, you have made 
atonement by a good deed at last. 

Snake. But I must request of the com- 
pany that it shall never be known. 

Sir Pet. Hey ! What the plague ! — Are 
you ashamed of having done a right thing 
once in your life ? 

Snake. Ah, sir, consider — I live by the 
badness of my character ; and if it were 
once known that I had been betrayed into 
an honest action, I should lose every friend 
I have in the world. \_Exity i,. 



152 Zbc Scbool for Scandal 

Sir Oliv. Well, well, we'll uot traduce 
you by saying any thing in your praise, 
never fear. 

Lady Teaz. See, Sir Oliver, there needs 
no persuasion now to reconcile your nephew 
and Maria. 

Sir Oliv. Ay, ay, that 's as it should be ; 
and, egad, we '11 have the wedding to-mor- 
row morning. 

Chas. Sill"/. Thank you, dear uncle ! 

Sir Pet. What, you rogue, don't you ask 
the girl's consent first ? 

Chas. Surf. Oh, I have done that a long 
time— a minute ago — and she has looked 
yes. 

Maria. For shame, Charles ! — I protest. 
Sir Peter, there has not been a word. 

Sir Oliv. Well, then, the fewer the bet- 
ter; may your love for each other never 
know abatement ! 

Sir Pet. And may you live as happily to- 
gether as lyady Teazle and I intend to do ! 

Chas. Surf. I '11 make no promises, but 
here shall be my monitor — my gentle guide. 
Ah ! can I leave the virtuous path those eyes 
illumine ? 



^be Scbool for ScanDal 153 

Though thou, dear maid, sbould'st waive thy 

beauty's sway, 
Thou still must rule, because I will obey : 
An humble fugitive from folly view, 
No sanctuary near but Ivove and you ; 

[ To the Audience. 
You can, indeed, each anxious fear remove, 
For even Scandal dies, if you approve. 

THE END, 



DISPOSITION OF THE CHARACTERS 
AT THE FALIv OF THE CURTAIN. 

R. — Rov^i^EY, Maria, Chas. Surf., 

I.. — I/AdyTeaz., Sir Pet., Sir Oi.iv. 





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